a fence in ecuador

--it's still there, i say to no one i'm visiting my home city in-between business trips and i wandered over to a place i probably shouldn't be the place from Before but i wandered anyway and part of it is still standing, surprisingly 70 feet across and blending in with the trees behind it 10-feet high and casting shadows on me made of intimidating chain-link --well not intimidating anymore, i say to no one i'm older and the fence is too it's rusted over and an ugly color not at all striking or scary nowadays if i tried to scale it now i'd probably nick my hand and get tetanus --but i don't want to scale it of course, i say to no one i'm older now and there's no reason to now it's so rundown in places that i could just step over it nevermind that that wasn't the case Before --well, i don't know why i'm thinking about Before, i say to no one --i promised myself i would be sensible on this trip, i say to no one but now that i've thought of it just the once the memories are suddenly there despite my best intentions to keep them at bay i remember climbing the fence being daring or so i thought a stupid kid trying to impress- --no, i say to no one i will not think of- --stop, i say to no one -stop stop stop stop- but again, like trying to stop a speeding train with an outstretched hand it's useless the memories keep coming and they won't stop she's there like always a comfort during the Before but i don't want her to be there why was she ever there (why was i there) why were any of us there i remember scaling the fence trying to reach for the trees on the other side and i remember her watching me all the girls did but she was the one i wanted to impress (escape with) but i failed they saw me, caught me arms pulling me back and --why were we there, i say to no one because i know but i don't understand and i never will i'll never understand why she vouched for me said i was acting on her encouragement saying it was her fault she knew what would happen to her if she said that and it did happen, arms pulling her away i only got a few days without food but she had encouraged me so she she she got sent to the basement floor the floor we all talk about like girls whispering at a slumber party girls whispering through metal bars she got sent to the basement floor the floor that dealt in experimental reparative therapy --three days, i say to no one three days and people finally came which i wasn't praying for because i'd long accepted that no one would care enough to come but they did they came three days after she got sent to the basement floor three days after she didn't come back i never even knew her name i didn't know her at all, not really after the buildings were shut down after the hands stopped grabbing hold of us after this goddamn fence stopped serving any goddamn purpose they told me she was gone accidental exposure to electrocution (accidental over-exposure to electrocution) they said it was painless but i'm not stupid, i knew they were lying but i was supposed to be okay because i'd been saved i was supposed to turn everything into some sort of Before pack up, grow up, move on, go on because i'm okay but it's not just me because there was never just one fence, was there never just one set of hands --it's okay, they say --we'll shut down the other buildings some day, they say --it doesn't really matter, they don't say and don't have to say it i understand just like i understand the bible verses carved into me (it is an abomination i must be cured) i understand so i leave the run-down fence that wasn't run-down when i needed it to be and i leave the place where people didn't care when i needed them to ---i understand, i say to no one because no one is there to listen and no one ever will be