fifteen

I can still feel it in the pit of my stomach

The burn of imminent disaster.

The swirl of events that lead to it all

To you

And me

Stuck within the confines of age fifteen

So seemingly beaten down by the world

We couldn't even see ourselves

I sat in a barely put together room

On an air mattress, watching the window

Wondering how I could get to you

Because those nights you said goodbye, you took pieces of me too

You took away at age fifteen the idea that I could save something

I remember thinking that love meant being there

Even when  you were setting yourself on fire

When I turned sixteen and you didn’t call

I had charred bones inside my skin

And the weight of medical bills over my head

And the voices of each of your personalities rattling

You cut off  blossoms but

Buds grew after some thought and time

Under a different sun

Stole my days but traded them for lessons

I never thought I would need

Like patience is a virtue

But sometimes you have to give up to grow

Sometimes you’ll fall for the same mistakes

With long blonde hair, soft kisses full of lies

I guess she reminded me of you.

It took some time to

Quit taking in smoke and learn to breathe

So this is how I'll thank you

Hoping you’ve grown from this too

That you're happier now

Without my ghost of age fifteen