The Fight - Julia Michael

Julia Michael

2/22/22

The Fight

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My brain is a fragile piece of equipment

The flood of thoughts that come through the gates goes into the millions

I guess there aren’t many guards left to observe the thoughts

That get through the gates

Most of the guards left are mangled and tired

Tirelessly trying to kick out the evil outside the gates

Crawling through the moat

Most guards have been slain by the evil we call negativity

Fighting day and night endlessly throwing insults at my guards

Saying my guards aren’t strong enough to hold their evil back

Saying we will never get anywhere in life

Because we don’t know how to put up a fight

My guards wither away a little more each day

Little strands of hair visible among their coats

Tired eyes and the forsaken word “sleep”

Sleep is a hard concept for them to take on

When their thoughts keep them up at night

Yet the daily battle resumes at my guards’ posts

Day after day

Night after night

The “Negativity” is merciless

Seeping in through the cracks of these walls

Always finding new ways to tear into the fortress

The people inside are getting scared

Wondering when it will be their time to fight

The loud knocking continues throughout the day into the night

Trying to make one of us crack and let them in

The frustration does not cease

Sweaty hands and shaking bodies 

Curl up in the safe haven of their rooms under warm blankets

Waiting to hear the siren

The siren will sound and all hell will break loose

That is when you know the “Negativity” has entered our fortress

Suiting up over the past days

Knowing soon enough it will get in

It is a nerve racking experience

Trying to stay calm

Knowing any minute it will break through the doors

One more pill before the doors break

To calm the nerves

Fighting through many sleepless night

And if sleep finally prevails…

Nightmares…

Lots of vibrant heart wrenching nightmares play through your mind

Making you feel like you didn't sleep a wink

Explaining one's suffering may be easy to say

But not as easy to understand

Until you go through the hell they do every day

Broken smiles held together by one single thread

Endless thoughts about insecurity and who will be the next

To walk out of your life

Again

Your stomach knots and turns

Unable to eat

Unable to sleep

Fighting panic attacks

Fighting breakdowns over small mess ups

Questioning who really cares about you and who doesn’t

Asking yourself why you’re so insecure and uptight

Asking yourself why you cannot let loose and be calm

The fidgeting everyone comments on

The nervous tics

Silent tears rolling down your face

Huddled up in a corner 

All alone

Because that is the only place you feel safe and secure at that moment in time

Making a fool of yourself in front of friends

Because you’re internally battling what you should say

What might be the wrong thing to say

Going over a single sentence in your head at least twenty times

Rephrasing because it has to sound perfect in order to not sound stupid

The shaky voice and frequent stuttering 

You try so hard to explain all of your actions

Because you feel like you have to give everyone an explanation

The want for approval 

The so needed reassurance on everyday tasks

Being scared to work a job because you think you’ll mess up something

Or make someone angry

Or ask too many questions

It’s beyond tiring 

Trying to fight one battle internally while fighting one externally 

The loud noises 

The sudden movements

Certain subjects will throw you off your rocker 

The whole rest of your day will be an anxious crying mess

You are a fragile human being

But it is hard to explain all your issues and triggers to people

Because you yourself don’t want to even think about those issues and triggers

You wish you came with a manual explaining everything that needed extra care and attention to

But obviously no one does

Which makes everything less easy

So you just don’t make new friends
You don’t try to talk about anything too long or complicated to avoid stuttering and making a fool of yourself

You mask your problems with a smile and keep quiet

To avoid controversy and anxiety inducing issues