Finding Hope

Dear Carrie Fisher,

I have my doubts

They’re there

Ever present

I never fully get rid of them

They morph into anxiety

It’s sticky

Impossible to get rid of

Despite my efforts

However,

I hold out hope

That one day, one day

I’ll be able to accept it as part of me

How do you play a role?

I look up to you

You accepted who you are

You are badass

To me,

That’s the most amazing thing

In the world

Or galaxy

Around my room

There are posters everywhere

All Star Wars related

Yours is the one I see the most

I see your character,

Princess Leia

A brave, fearless leader

Who I aspire to be one day

But for now,

I’m afraid

I have doubts

I want to change the world

I know

Not as lofty goals as Leia

But still equally terrifying

Plus, I have this anxiety that tells me I can’t

I look to you,

I remember you also had your struggles

With mental health

Isn’t it wonderful when your own brain turns against you

When I think about this

I remember you changed the world

Mental health and all

I remember

You gave me someone to aspire to be

You gave me a fearless role model

A role model who stood up for what she believed in

A role model who faced down an empire

You gave me a role model

A role model who faced her own brain

And won

And won, because you acknowledge it was part of you

So, as I sit through class

And lay in bed at night

I think about you

And your unmatched bravery

Because as I’m learning

Facing part of yourself

Is probably more difficult to do

Than facing an empire

So, thank you

Thank you for giving me

The courage and the knowledge

That I can do this

I realize that my anxiety

Isn’t going to leave overnight

And take my doubts and fears with it

As much as I would love it if they would

Instead, I just remember

Your encouragement

To do it even with fear

Because confidence will follow

So, I’m going to try

To be like you

And acknowledge that this anxiety

It’s part of me

But, it won’t slow me down

I’ll change the world

Even if it’s only the world of a few people

Because then, I’ve made a difference

And I’ll do it with

My fear and my doubts

Because they are part of me

And they make me who I am

But maybe, as I go on my mission,

One day,

One day, confidence will come

And join my fears, doubts, and anxiety

Then maybe,

I will have changed the world not just for others

But also for me

And I can be strong and confident

And I can be a leader

And maybe show someone else

Who has their struggles

That they too can change the world

Thank you, Carrie Fisher

You have given me hope

Thank you for changing the world

Thank you for showing me how it’s done

May the Force be with you,

Mackenzie