Finding Me

At the edge of my grasp

Not even a memory

Once a recollection

Now no more than a tale

Told many times over

Story becomes memory

Flashes, pieces of me

A beloved white blanket

And Teddy still there

Little hand reaching up

Unafraid, undaunted

Doesn’t understand fear

Real memories, now vivid,

Blowing dandelions

Begging to ride Teddy

Crying over scraped knees

Family, happy and whole

Mom, Dad, Katelin, and I

Things are quickly changing

Confused, What is going on?

Mom and dad by the stairs

Yelling at the bottom

Screaming from the top too

Me hiding, escaping

Mom is building a house

Brand new, across the field

But Dad isn’t moving

Taken to a stranger

We talk about my life

While we play board games

Time to go to your dads

I have no choice, I go

Time to leave for you moms

I have no choice, I go

My escape, the horse barn

Soft manes bury my tears

I no longer realize

How different my life is

Routine is my two lives

One with mom, one with dad

Mixing on occasion

But always divided

Mom has a new “friend” now,

He comes over a lot

Mom says he’s a farmer

She tries on white dresses

Soon you will have two dads

I get to throw flowers

When the farm house is fixed

We are going to move

Years trickle by, and yet

We still live next to dad

The farmer works a lot

He’ll work less when we move

Our house is now selling

We must move to the farm

Far from my friends and school

Far from dad and the barn

I do not want to move

To the half-finished house

So many promises

We will finish the house

The horses will live here

The farmer will work less

All will be soon broken

And many forgotten

Things are going down hill

Splitting at all the seams

Yelling, so much yelling

He is yelling at me

And crying, tears streaming

This can’t keep going on

Mom is sick, very sick

She can’t be cured he says

Because she is pregnant

Thirteen,  angry at her

I don’t want a brother

Thirteen, I fear what’s next

The arguments are worse

I don’t want to move again

Things will get better soon

After the baby’s born

Lies, all lies, things got worse

Things got unbearable

A baby, tears, screaming

So much work, zero time

The farmer moves next door

But we need to escape

We need to move again

A divorce is coming

We move back to my friends

Lawyers are hired too

Fourteen, the police called

He’s pushing my mom hard

Please come help, tears streaming

They come, he denies it

Highschool, a new, fresh start

But the past follows me

A baby brother here

Back and forth again

He goes to his father

And I continue to mine

Court, the divorce not final

I must testify too

Open up my past scars

To people who don’t know

Who do not understand

When will this hell conclude?

Finally a respite,

A break from this madness

Court closed, custody ours

My brother, back and forth

The break is very short

This bliss can’t last for long

Court cases reopen

So soon lawyers needed

He wants full custody

To pay us less money

He is destroying us

Tension, so much tension

Meet Joey Mikayla

Oh no, not another

Two failed marriages mom

Please don’t make it a third

Leaving for college soon

But I can’t take much more

He has two younger girls

I can’t take another move

But he makes her happy

Happiest I have seen

In a very long time

Maybe things will work out

Shopping, a new white dress

Moving, far from my friends

I’m leaving for college

My escape once again

Farmer still fighting hard

But it’s not my battle

It’s my turn now to soar

To find my path in life

Past shaped me, molded me

Finally I’m ready

To take on the whole world

Cause despite everything

I have found myself, me