Finding Strength in the Midst of Pain

"Out of the room, all is still
Just the moonlight floating in
Lighting up my room with an eternal glim 

I must rest while I can tonight
Before the waking of a heart monitor light
The fluids running through my soul 
Has kept me awake to an unending flow

The beeping sounds of machines within;
A device of doubt that surrounds about
There is no faith surrounding me;
Just things telling me that I'm a mystery...

A science of understandings that never grows dim
The earthly lens that puts facts together by sheer evidence
Never to uncover the spiritual power within

In this hospital room, I sigh
Unanswered questions no one can find
The science of their findings seem to fail
Only some know what can prevail

The Father of doctors knows my condition
Even when the scholars fail at their exhibition

When my pain is at it's worse
I look up to You, my unending verse
Oh how can this be all in Your sight?
As I lay here daily, night after night

How long, my Jesus, must I last?
Within this hospital bed, I'm bound to rest
For i am tired and weary of all the waiting and unanswered pain
And all the worries the doctors gain

Will you not give me rest tonight?
Or wake me with another blow of Your might?
Oh Abba! it hurts! I cannot deny
An invisible disease no one can define

Why do I have it?
Why did I die? 
Why couldn't You keep me in Your presence tonight?

Looking up in the moonlight
For some reason I cry
For the moon is a sign of hope in the sky

I just want to be with You
Is that so bad to cry?
To be with You tonight
Or must I rely...

That for some reason I'm here
Back down in this room
Where I left for it seemed only a minute or two

Then I think, Jesus must have felt this pain
Before the cross ever occurred
Having revelations with Our Father
And coming back to earth 

We are made to be with Him
We are not made to be in this life
We're here to preach the gospel
But it's not our home, it's our physical life

These thoughts flow on and on in bed
The flares keep coming 
I squeeze my eyes tight
Oh when will it go and leave my life?

No one knows what hinders me
To be fully with Him in eternity

How easy would it be to just give in
To close my eyes and settle here
And find that rest beyond the river near

I must keep fighting, is all I hear
"Keep fighting, baby," your time is near
For my wounded heart is in agony 
to be up there with You in eternity

My burdened heart lingers still
Of all the things I saw above
This sky and all its wonder of

So much is there not seen to me
So much I wish, there is to be
In His timing, all is right
In His timing, I'll cry tonight

My pine and cry for breath on earth
Has merely been a glimpse of birth
A glimpse of what we are to find
Once I give my All to Him in this life

For now I have this pain to be
Like Paul when he asked for strength from Thee
This thorn of mine will glorify Thine 
I ask, May it be! I pray;
This is all I have to give to Thee

This is my prayer of unwanted pain
Of an invisible disease only My Jesus can see
Yes, the doctors named it mine 
And told me to keep fighting to manage it...
why?

For my, Jesus, I'll fight
For my, Beloved, I'll be, that person Jesus Has created me to be

It will be hard, it will take some time
No pity party please
I saw my King glorified"

~Brianna Renee'