Finding Yourself Within the Noise

In a society filled with noise, where we are constantly told through religion, media, patriarchy, government, education, and institutional constructs:  

what is expected, acceptable, unacceptable, good, bad, right, wrong, 

and who you are “supposed to be” as a woman, 

what you are “supposed to feel” as a woman, 

what you are “supposed to do” as a woman, 

it is almost impossible not to lose yourself and who you are meant to be.

As you get older people say be yourself, 

the problem with this is, 

You’ve spent the last 33 years building layer upon layer,

 of these conscious and subconscious thoughts and images 

that you’ve become the society version of yourself,

You’ve filtered, changed, altered your original being,

 to be what society wants 

and who you are “supposed” to be that

You have no clue who you really are. 

You struggle with the noise but you can’t silence it. 

You sense somewhere inside that what you’ve been taught, 

doesn’t match the light inside of you, but you can’t quiet the noise:

“Be thin, be sexy,  be pretty, change as the definition of these changes, smile, 

don’t be needy, don’t be too emotional, smile, 

don’t be so serious, be independent, but don’t be too independent, smile, 

be smart, be educated, but don’t be too smart and over educated, smile,

be assertive but not too assertive, stand up for yourself but be nice, smile, 

take care of your children, but have a career, smile,

be “normal”, be heterosexual, smile

follow the old testament rules,

 Love God, God loves you only if... Insert man’s interpretations, smile

Within loud, constant, deafening noise

You’ve lost your thoughts, 

You’ve numbed your feelings,

 and your soul is locked away.

All you wanted to be is what everyone expected you to be. 

You wanted to be the good woman, 

the acceptable woman, 

do want is expected

make the right choices,

 and be a woman God loves. 

Years and years of trying to be this woman wears on your soul, 

and you don’t know why you aren’t happy. 

You don’t know why things don’t feel right, 

you don’t know why you feel this way,

when you are doing what is good, 

right, acceptable and expected of you,

So you feel lost, 

You feel sad,

You feel alone

So much noise, 

You being the long journey into yourself, 

away from the noise,

where you retreat into silence,

Away from society,

You turn inward to your light, 

but can’t see it,

You want to see your light again,

You want to change these thoughts, 

these society develop beliefs, 

you can’t do it alone so you find

 audiobooks, podcasts, go to hours of therapy, 

it takes you years to hear your thoughts again,

to feel your feelings and to let your soul be heard.

but you put in the work, time, energy to silence the noise and 

change old thoughts, change old beliefs of who you are “supposed to be”

You learn how to listen to your body

You learn how to listen to your soul,

You learn how to listen to your own thoughts,

You learn how to listen to your own heart,

You find yourself within the noise

Through this long journey the noise quiets, 

The clouds float away, 

you find God in you exactly the way you are,

You feel him inside of you,

 loving the original you despite what the noise told you,

your soul finds peace and 

your thoughts they find joy

Amber Lynn 

7/28/2019