Fire and Ice

Location

Fire

That’s what it feels like when I close my eyes

I feel like my mind and my body are just going to burn up

Melt away

I can’t stand this!

It’s been six years

Six years of living in this Hell

Why can’t I just escape?

His twisted words are stuck on my mind

Like they have been super glued there and can’t be erased

“You can’t be gay. I’ll show you.”

 

He showed me

He showed me what it feels like to be too scared to move

Too scared to speak

He showed me what it felt like to be weak and helpless

He didn’t show me how to be straight

I will never be straight

 

Abandoned

That’s how it felt

I felt abandoned

My best friend didn’t believe me

Called me a liar

“You’re too strong. You could have fought back!”

Her voice echoes in my mind

Betrayed by the one person I thought I could trust

Just like I was betrayed by him

I lost two friends in one night

 

Running

I just felt like running and never coming back

Left the state

Joined the Army

Didn’t look back

At least not when I was awake

Pushing every person that was close to me away

Hiding behind relationships that I knew would never work

Afraid that if I let someone get close

They would abandon me too

So instead, I pushed them away

Forcing them to leave

Leaving me feeling abandoned yet again

 

Stop running

It’s what I told myself

Stop avoiding

It’s not that easy

I feel like my life has been stolen away

I just want it back

I want to be happy again

I want to love myself again

I want to be able to love again

My son has changed everything

 

He’s given me a new chance on life

Taught me how to love without fear

Showed me that I’m better than my past

He has given me a fresh start

 

I still feel fire

When I sleep

When I am awake

It doesn’t go away

Except when I am with you

I feel safe in your arms

I feel peace

You remind me of who I used to be

Who I am becoming again

The strong woman that smiles

Laughs

Lives

Loves

And isn’t afraid of her past

Who knows that life is worth living

Love is worth the pain

Family is who you chose for it to be

And that the future is much brighter than the past

 

So maybe it isn’t fire at all

Maybe it’s ice

Ice so cold that it burns

Why does it burn?

Because that’s what happens when things thaw

Love can thaw the coldest heart

And make it warm again 

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