Firsts'...Then...and Now

 

I entered 2017, broke but still tipsy drunk with 12 other of my closest co-workers at a private Karaoke room . Because when you work retail 40 hours per week, those are the only faces you see. Along with annoyingly entitled customers annoyingly entitled bosses…

 “Lets kiss for the snap!”

“I’m not sure how my boyfriends gonna feel about it…Isn’t that like cheating” 

“It’s okay I asked him! Haha! He said its fine!” 

“Alright lets do it!” 

*Kissed a girl for the first time in 2017…didn’t like it*

Three…Two…One...Happy New Year!!! Now the rush begins! The guy I was dating for three months, pulled me in for a kiss (my first New Years Kiss) in front of all our co-workers. The secret was out! The girl who worked Guest Services and the guy from Backroom were a thing. 

Three…Two…One…. *Snapchat from Amarion*. I’ll never forget when he said, “If she’s cute, and her boyfriend isn’t a big dude, I’m going after her”. I didn’t think we could be cordial enough to wish each other well on the Holidays.  But I guess we are.

He was creeping into my life like a fog. Making it hard to see my boyfriend for the man I was starting to fall for. I was split. But he is not why we ended up breaking up. 

Super Bowl Sunday, I hosted a Super Bowl party for my favorite co-workers at a hotel since no one had an available house. My mom warned me about hotel parties. 

I can’t remember who played or who won. All I know is, I was locked in the bathroom and my lips were on  her, then her and then HIM. My boyfriends friend. Our friends were outside, banging on the door drunk…laughing…and theorizing what was going on. 

I opened the door and left somewhere in the hotel, drunk and crying at the stupid thing I had done. I cheated? I cheated! With his friend! Are they best friends? That doesn’t even matter, its going to hurt him. I lost someone amazing, this is it..

I sobbed and cried until I had no more tears. I go back upstairs and security shut down the party, everyone was leaving. 

2pm the next day he called me, and I told him what happened. I wasn’t going to lie or hide. I owned what was to come. After a week of texting and calling and finally meeting in person, he chose to forgive me. 

I decided it was easier to end things, then for him to live in mistrust. I thought because of this, it would lead to more ugly arguments. I felt guilty enough and now I’ve ruined his trust. 

I walked away…I’m a *inserts long list of horrible names*… I know. 

Things were over with him and I was in the middle of spring semester. Struggling to focus on school or anything good for that matter. I still have to see the guy from backroom at work. And only the people in that bathroom would know why we acted so distant at work. 

I wasn’t doing well in school and I had been getting C’s and D’s in the past. So much emotion and stress going on and I was just literally eating everything in sight and anything I craved. Something was off though, something was different. 

I believe that the fates were pushing us together no matter how far apart we both wanted to be. Three weeks after our breakup, I found out I was pregnant. I was in denial, I was scared and most importantly I wanted to crawl out of my skin. 

I told him a week later, fully expecting to be the one to handle whatever I had to financially, even if It was hard for me to do so. But my heart stopped when he said, “ I will support you with whatever you want to do”. He signed up to be there for me after everything I put him through, and I felt so undeserving. 

I propped myself up onto chair and rested my legs onto the foot handles. And he was laughing at the fact that they put a condom on the ultrasound stick…I smiled. Boys. It was a serious situation, I was scared and he was laughing. It lightened the mood, it made it so much better, but not easier. 

They give you pill and then a series of pills to finish the process and lessen the pain.  The day after the appointment, I felt liked heavy weights was crushing my lower back and I couldn’t shake the pain. I was experiencing nausea and I was vomiting. I was shedding red like I was dying and I swore God was punishing me for what I had done. I knew in that moment, that this is the most unnatural thing humans created. I never want to do this again. This went on for 2 more days. 

Throughout all this he was texting and checking in on me. I was still on medication afterwards to keep the pain away and prevent infection. So, I was super sluggish at work but I would see his face, and everything seemed light again. Whenever we shared the same shift, he would buy me Peach Tranquility Tea from Starbucks. 

I sacrificed my unborn child for my future. It’s selfish isn’t it. When I have kids in the future, they won’t be my first child. My future kids already lost a sibling. I couldn’t have done this for nothing. This wasn’t for nothing. 

To start off, I withdrew my enrollment from the university, and transferred to Community College (backwards right?) I blocked my ex, because I didn’t care how immature it looked, I didn’t have room for anymore negativity in my life. In May, the man who stood by me free of judgment through everything, he asked me if we could try things one more time and I really wanted to try again as well. 

He drives me to be better and encourage him to be his best. The difference between then and now, is that we made each other stronger to take on 2018.