Fitting/Fitted

The last time she wore a dress

was at her sixth grade graduation

wearing a perfectly nice dress

that felt far too exposed

far too personal

for a sixth grade graduation.

Not as bad as that skort her mom made her wear

but, still, wholly uncomfortable.

She walks into her new middle school

surrounded by hundred of kids she doesn't know

on the verge of tears in the cafeteria

overwhelmed, anxious, alone

and keeps getting guys coming up to her and asking

Will you go out with me?

and having to decline every time.

She knows that she doesn't like girls

pretty confident about it, in fact

but how are guys even remotely attractive?

she wonders. She finds asexual

aromantic

and feels at home

but still alone

among all the chattering feminine

and overbearing masculine

and retreats to the girl's bathroom

eating lunch there for two straight years.

She goes to her second year of nerd camp

still feeling like she doesn't really belong there

not really fitting in

not like everybody else

but takes a class on the history of disease.

This is supposed to be a girl's hall -

single-sex halls are apparently a good idea

even though at least 25% of the campers

aren't straight -

but there's a boy on the hall.

"Trans," according to our RA.

She goes to the LGBT activity once

gets introduced to pronouns

identities

sexualities

and now

now

everything starts falling into place.

After camp

she finds out about non-binary identities

agender, neutral-gendered

genderless

this fits

oh my god, it fits

And she throws out all her dresses

skirts, form-fitting clothing

that fits in exactly the wrong ways.

She throws out "she,"

tosses "they" into the mix, and now

they

feel right.

They come to high school

not quite out, even in the GSA,

but out to theirself

knowing now that girl

she

her

hers

herself

is never what they've really been.

They're at peace,

still mostly solitary

but still

they stand

fully

in control.

-

Now, let's start from the beginning.

The last time I wore a dress

was at my sixth grade graduation.