Five Fingered River

All we were doing was watching a movie and a little innocent cuddling.

Just like before. 

Why should this time be any different?                                                                                                         We're only the best of friends.                                                                                                                           We both have a "bae" so nothing is gonna happen ... right?

Movie ends.                                                                                                                                               Facebook stalking.                                                                                                                                              His arms are around my stomach and my laptop is on my lap and his hands keep caressing my tummy and I keep clicking through pictures.

And his hands keep moving lower and lower and I start breathing faster and faster and I keep clicking through pictures.

And we stop talking ... and his fingers start caressing ... and I keep clicking through pictures. 

And his fingers are moving fast ...

then slow

And I keep clicking through pictures. 

And I don't know what it's doing down there like it's spazzing out and I can't control it and I'm embarrassed and neither of us says anything and I don't know what to do.

So I keep clicking through pictures. 

And his hands move back up, and I stop clicking through pictures. 

"We should get up."                                                                                                                                             But neither of us moves.      

Holding hands under the cover.                                                                                                           Spooning.            

"I wanna kiss you."

Front to front.                                                                                                                                                     Legs intertwined.

"I really wanna kiss you right now."

But I'm scared to say it.

So I don't.

I'm supposed to be good.                                                                                                                             You're supposed to be better.                                                                                                                                 I don't know how this happened.                                                                                                                       I'm really confused.    

And guilty and happy and ashamed and excited and scared because I like you.                                     A lot.        

But I'm afraid.

Afraid of what's gonna happen if I tell you.                                                                                                Afraid that I'll get hurt.                                                                                                                                      Afraid that our friendship won't be the same as before.

You're normally the one that I go to for everything.                                                                                       My confidante.                                                                                                                                                       My best friend.                                                                                                                                                    

Why can I not open up to you now?                                                                                                                Why am I shy in front of you?                                                                                                                           Why can't I tell you how I feel?

*sigh*

I love you as my best friend ...

But as something more as well ...