Flashback

Your words were like sticks and stones

That broke the bones of my mind

Your words were like arrows

That pierced the heart of my soul

If you were the sun

I was the shadow at high noon

Non existent

If you were the sky

Then I was the clouds on a clear day

Absent

I was someone to hate

And I was someone to love

You made me feel like nothing

But I was everything to you

I was your laughter

Your hope

Your daily expectation of joy

You were my tears

My fear

My daily expectation of hate

And we never failed to impress each other

You were envious of what I had

My qualities were unattainable

My levels of happiness placed on a pedestal, only for you to knock down

Lord knows I ain't a fighter

Lord knows I can't clapback

All I was ever good at was crying

And keeping to myself

Day by day we would challenge each other

I'd tell myself that today, I would be strong, and that I would stick up for myself

And I'm sure you pushed yourself to be the worst you possible

Behind closed doors, I had all the confidence in the world

Behind closed doors, I would say exactly how I felt

Behind closed doors, I played out every scenario

In front of you, you, you

I was the tough chick for once

And no one could silence me

But in the real world, my life was different

I was the girl who was afraid

The girl who couldn't speak

The girl with terrible comebacks

So much so, that this became routine

Wake up, go to school, get teased, cry, go home…

My mom would ask me how my day went,

And every day I would always say: "Good! Great! Fine!"

I would then go to my room, and try to forget my day

Only to repeat the process all over again

I write this as a 21 year old woman

A woman who thinks about her past, a lot

To this day I play out those scenarios, wondering what I could have done different

But if I had the chance to go back and change it all,

I wouldn't.