Flip

It grows inside me

the pain

the desire

to end it

the desire to die

it grows

I don’t fully understand the cause of it

no one does

but there’s nothing I can do

I just wait and hope that it will pass like the tide

and it does sometimes but only for a bit

then like a tsunami I get slammed again

drowning in the pain and sorrows that comes from within

what did i do to deserve this

I try to do all the right things but it’s not enough

it will never be enough

one day maybe I can separate myself from this never ending rollercoaster of despair

but for now I am its slave bound to it with thick iron chains

but what can you do when the pills aren’t enough

when they can't hold back the pain

do you just drown or fight

some say fight but those are the people who have never felt like this

never felt this burning desire to feel nothing at all

but if I did end it then the people around me that cared for me and weep in my absence become a charity case

the kind of person that people feel always destroys the mood with their sorrows

yet I won't make them become those kind of people

I will press on not for my sake but theirs

I encourage myself to press on

then it hits

my mindset flips

and all I desire is death