Food For Thought

By Karina I pack on the imaginary pounds so that my self esteem outweighs effected I don’t know why I can go four days without eating. It may be that the stress that my home possesses causes me to digest routine verbal abuses that I get daily enough to fill three niggas up, at once and drink it down with a bucket of responsibilities that aren’t mine. God forbid I tell her no. Then I’d get a mouth full. The truth that little children possess is wonderful but hurts to hear at this point in time. Tico tells me that even when I dress in my baggy jeans and my big T’s that he still thinks that I look beautiful and that’s the wonderful part. But when he tells me I look skinny in my basketball shorts I just hug him. I hug him tightly so that he doesn’t know that his harmless comment was oh so harmful to my spirits. This habit that I’ve formed, I’m trying to get rid of it, but it seems that I don’t eat the food to then throw it up, that’s stupid. I just don’t eat it at all. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this beautiful girl that everyone else sees when I don’t. I hate the fact that my mother knows that when she calls me anorexic it hurts my feelings and I cry, but she does nothing to avoid the situation. I know that I can’t love someone else until I love myself first, but I don’t. I always made fun of the bulimics and anorexic bitches that removed their ribs and throw up their dishes to then look thin, I never thought I would be that chick. I don’t want to be that chick. I don’t want to feel this low, I don’t want to feel like shit. I don’t want to have to hate to go home to this stressful place and I eat fucking bowl of cereal without thinking about a fucked up problem in my life to then loose my appetite. On the contrar I love to eat. Ask Pearl, when I eat, I put shit away. Eating shit at once that niggas can’t eat in two days. But I won’t have this constant reminder bout how fucked up shit is to me. I would just eat. Like a binge eater until I get home and the bulimia kicks back in. I want to be able to eat as I please, but see this problem can’t be correct until I’m pleased with me.