Forced complacency

by toni has trauma

May 30, 2020

Every time I try to better myself,

somehow it backfires.

It took so long for me to be able

to admit and accept that I need help.

So now that I'm finally making

the first move to fix me,

why is it just not working?

I have tried to find a therapist,

spent two hours looking

just to leave unanswered messages.

I have tried to confront my abusers

just to be met with denial and anger.

I have tried to find an outlet or a hobby

but everything I do, I do for other people

and I hate everything I create.

I have tried to figure out where I stand with my partner

but I'm too scared I'm not in the right headspace

to make important decisions and I'll regret anything I do.

I have questioned my sexuality for the first time ever,

ashamed that it was brought upon by another.

But I'm just confused and uncomfortable with the idea

that I was never bisexual, and have to lean on the queer crutch.

I am so tired of living in the depression nest

that has become my windowless apartment

but whenever I start to clean, I get overwhelmed

and so the cycle restarts, an infinite loop of mess.

I really do want to change and I'm trying,

but every time I do, I feel like I'm taking

half a step forward and two steps back,

but I know I will eventually stop trying.

I just hope something works before then.

Something wrong with this poem?

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Comments (2)

CupandhalfMay 30, 2020

" Every time I try to better myself" you start by saying ... Why do you want to change  by you or by / for others? -If it's for you get an introspection .. your best than anyone you know.  What done is done... Are you not happy with the life you have?  So yeah ... change your life circumstances.  You don't want to change yourself.  You could only change habits and that only if you want.With discipline and will.  If you don't have that then you need someone (therapist, you say).- If you want to change for other bad business, don't kid yourself .. it wouldn't work My message is that it is not to decide anything now that you are confused .. take your time and the day will come that the answer comes from within, you only live once and think that maybe it is your last best years ... this last  It's for you to laugh, you have to look optimistic to the future. If you can't do this ... fall asleep now, I'm tough, but sincere.