Foreigner

blan (foreigner)

That is my name

That is my identity here

The rich white girl that has everything she ever wanted

Yet there, I’m the poor missionary that has nothing she needs

That is my identity there

So who am I

What am I

If the labels PK, MK, and TCK don’t give me enough identity to attach to

What is there to find

Who am I when stripped of those titles

Where do I belong?

To whom can I go to when trapped

No one understands

Not here, not there

There, they don’t even try

Here, you can’t ask them to,

They have been through enough.

Community is a survival technique

But I suck at strategy

I don’t understand the culture of here nor there

I have my own culture

My own experiences that no one seems to care for

My own story that no one will listen to

They are too busy talking about their own

My current friendships are built because I ask the questions

They don’t know shit about me

They don’t know that I’m hardly ever okay

They don’t know that this smile is hiding depression

My facade of perfection is too believable

I’ve gotten too good at being the title I was given

I was taught that perfection gains us support,

And without support we can't go anywhere

So to the world, to my family, and to my friends, I am perfectly fine

I know how to control my feelings.

I can hold back the tears that clearly need to come out

I bear my soul to the few that I know love me

To the three that I know respond with love

Every. Fucking. time.

I share my triumphs, my sorrows

And they give support, knowing I’m not perfect

That is true love

That is true relationship

I am not a blan, rich, poor, nor perfect to them

To them I am me

And that's enough