Forever Marked

Thu, 04/10/2014 - 21:54 -- MLY

Today was a strange day. “Who are you going to prom with?” she asked you. I was sitting three seats away, and you looked at me and I looked at you. And you said “are we going to prom together? We made a deal”. And I saw the sadness in your eyes that mirrored the sadness in my heart. You lost me you had said before, all those weeks before. You lost me because I refused to spend my life waiting for something that was never going to happen. I looked at you and my heart clenched, I wanted you to hold me like before, I wanted your eyes to light up the way they used to when you saw me and I wanted you to smile like you used to when I made a dumb joke.

“Yes we did” I said, “a promise is a promise”. And after all those weeks I saw that happiness in your eyes again. Because you loved me still, and no matter what had happened or with who, I loved you too. But while you got happy I got sad. Because I knew it was just one night. One night and everything would turn back to the way things were before – me forcing myself to move on, and that permanent sadness in your eyes. We all got up to leave – lunch was over. You walked with me, and this silence smothered me for a while and you turned to me and we talked. We talked about Homecoming, how much fun that night was. And suddenly I was in your arms, clinging to you, I didn’t want to let go.

Your face in my hair as you said “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry. I’m an idiot, I should have seen, you were right, and now I’ve lost you and I love you, but you’re not mine anymore. I’ve lost you. I’m so, so, so sorry”. And I cried and you cried – I’ve never seen you cry until that moment. And I wanted so badly just to give in, to never let go and to hold on, because being with you just felt so right. But I didn’t. Because that would mean waiting. And I had waited long enough. I thought I had gotten through the hard part when I walked away the first time. That nearly tore my heart in two. But I was wrong. It wasn’t nearly as hard as this. This shattered my heart into sand grain sized pieces.

I looked at you, all while I was crying and I said “I know, and I love you too. But Andy…I can’t spend my life waiting, and I won’t” to which you said “I know. God, I know. And I’m sorry”. And with that I forced myself to turn. The ground wet with Seattle rain. I put my right foot in front of my left foot. Left. Right. Left. Right. I forced myself to walk. And with each step it became clearer. No matter what I will always love you. And I like to think that you will always love me. Because you changed me, and I know I changed you. We will be forever marked by each other. And for some reason, that makes me glad

And I went to AP Lit. And I wrote my timed write on Prose. And I went on with my life. And I lived. But I will always love you.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741