forgetting in a car crash

i want to think again about that dream in

which i press my foot a second slower and the white mercedes

collides with my chest instead of my back right tyre. you are saved from the ringing

and headaches and nerves. i am saved from the guilt. and in some sick way,

we are saved from each other.

in this dream: i die. sometimes instantly. a yes-no-here-gone, as blowing out

a candle: here was the flame, here now is the smoke and melted wax.

you will mourn what could have been as much as

what was: the gnawing pain of

lost opportunity.

sometimes i go slowly

enough that i may choke out cruel loving goodbyes that will 

sit in your head for as long as your head is. goodbyes like sickness and lavender

and goodbyes that will eat you alive

as does love - 

when we let it

i do not

know which of these dreams is worse. should i prefer

to cause pain or 

to be forgotten?

i want to know how i can ruin you. i want to know

if i can.

i want to dream again about the crack in my screen

that my thumb finds familiar. about scabs on my lip

shaped like your teeth. about problems

i don’t want fixed. and about

the ways in which i am unable to forget.