forgive

when i was litte, i prayed to God and was met with the voice of my mother.

she told me to spit my faith out and focus on having a normal life

after i sit there slicing my skin and wanting to die,

God knows it was her curling white knuckled fist that gripped the knife.

the blood dripping down my leg warmer than the hug from her i begged for,

while she acted like loving me publicly was a chore.

and that's okay, we all make mistakes and i forgave.

but i'll never forget that day dad said he would dig my grave.

i'm sure he didn't mean it,

dads just say things when they're angry, right?

but six years later that thought still keeps me up at night. 

when i'm alone in my bed, the only thing keeping me company are the thoughts in my head

and i'm on my knees begging for someone to listen

but turns out i'm by myself in the kitchen 

and i'm looking at the place you held the knife to my throat,

and told me if i left you, and i quote, "i won't hesitate to kill us both."

and i guess that was a wake up call, you never truly loved me at all,

it was control.

manipulating, frustrating, penetrating, degrading, it wasn't your fault you loved dominating,

but not just in bed.

yet you forced your way inside me most nights while ignoring my pleas to just fucking 

go to sleep please,

but you couldn't.

or maybe you just wouldn't because you're a man who takes what he can

whether it's confirmed his or not

and afterwards we always fought 

because i should just say yes.

that's the least i could do.

any other answer causes stress to be put on you and we can't have that happen, no

it's my responsibility to replace your mood stabilizers

i'm stuck here praying to God for the main character from the Equalizer to come and kill you.

berate you, abuse you, completely confuse you from the pedestal i placed you on

but boy was i so wrong in thinking you were deserving of the highest place in my heart.

but now i'm looking to restart. 

and i can. 

like Halsey said, i'm looking for the man with a plan but it's been right inside me all along.

and i'm quoting from her song when i say i'm sorry i treated you like jewelry 

and when i finally decided to keep you, you set me free

but not in a good way.

you set me aside and told me you loved me and said i needed to stay even though all you did was betray

and that's okay.

you did it out of habit,

you were a good person but i couldn't have it,

instead i had the drunk you.

you saw me from your father's view.

see, you didn't get much from him,

same nose, same temper, same alcoholism.

and i was expected to wait. and all that made me do was hate,

you, myself, everyone else around me.

i was just the unfortunate nominee, who stepped up to love you.

when your mom told me to leave, i was losing myself, i smiled through the tears 

trying to drown out my fears 

because i was good enough for you.

and she reassured me with a guarantee 

that i was more than enough for you. 

you just weren't good enough for me.