I don't understand
What do your words mean?
I'd like to think I know you better than to believe that it's what it sounds like
You've been irresponsible for some time now
(Did I ever know you when you were responsible?)
But it simply meant you were a narcissist
I've been waiting for you to grow up
All these years
It's been a long time now that you've been more absent than present
And that's not counting mentally
It'll be ten years this year
Next year you'll have been gone longer than you were here
But still, you cared
You loved us
I don't think this is just the desperate, denial-laden pleading of a child
You loved us
I think you still do
Your actions have shown for some time now that you're not as invested in us as you should be
But I've always believed you to be something of an exception
That your words speak louder than your actions where your convictions are concerned
That hardly matters now that you've spoken
...Did you really say that?
That you don't want to be more invested in this family than you are now?
I trust the source, but...
Didn't you realize when you married that it was a commitment?
Didn't you already know when children came that they should come before you?
I'm not sure if I ever really looked up to you
I can't remember
If I did (I probably did) it was before I turned ten
Then you became a bit scary
Not abusive, but you never listened to reason
(Were you always like that? Did I just not know enough to see before?)
You were always right
Even when you were proven wrong
But I still trusted you
And then you spent like no tomorrow
And quit your day job
And never learned from your fiscal mistakes
A string of start-up companies that always failed, and you never learned!
You spent us out of our home
I didn't see you as much after that
We all still loved each other
But it was necessary
You wanted to be your own boss
I get that
But did you want it more than you wanted us?
(Do you still?)
...Did you really say that?
That you're not ready for that kind of commitment right now?
Like a bratty teenage boy who wants to break up
(To be with another girl?)
No, I'm not accusing you of infidelity
I don't believe you'd do that
But it saddens me that I'm hardly surprised
That while it seems unbelievable, I don't believe there was a misunderstanding
That I believe you wouldn't be unfaithful or commit murder
But I wouldn't put much else past you
You're supposed to be above this
Or even if you're not, you're supposed to choose against it
Do you believe at all anymore?!
Anything you taught?!
How many have you driven away by saying 'right' and going left?
I still believe what you taught
But not because you taught it
It's only by the grace of God I can see that
Just because a madman says gravity will make a ball drop
Doesn't mean it will float when he lets it go
(I use you as 'what not to do')
(I don't trust any of your advice)
I love you, but why aren't I more surprised to be so casually tossed aside?
That all of us are?
(Do we really matter less than your earthly goals?)
I still love you
I think you love us in your own way
But I almost think (I hate to consider as a possibility)
That it's more a habit than an action
That it's an afterthought
Banked coals instead of a fire (of any sort)
(I hope your love isn't comatose)
(I hope it isn't dead)
(I pray with all my heart you straighten up and fly right, because this is wrong)
I am glad that I don't rely on you
(I wish that I could rely on you)
That my feelings toward you are more like those
To a kind but little-seen cousin, not immediate family
(This is not how our relationship should be!)
Because at least this hardly affects a thing
(This should send me reeling; no, this shouldn't be)
At least I rely on God, Mom, and my siblings more than I do you
(You're supposed to be one of my main supports)
I don't hate you
I actually love you
But I don't trust you
With my life, yes
But not with my last red cent
Not with responsibility
And I miss you
Because I know what you're like when you're not -
Refusing to commit to us
I know what you're like when we do things together
And I know your habits
So, my dear one, I'll pray
That you shake off this deep-rooted infection
That you return to the person you were when you married
That you return to your family
Most of all that you return to God
And I forgive you