Forgiving Myself

Every day flying by numbly,

Until the day I decided

the numbness coincided

with failing to forgive myself

I went under it, over it,

around it, but never through it

because that is where

I see her lying there - my mother passed away

because I didnt stay. I didn't stay home,

I chose to go out and when I returned

I had no doubt. 

Year after year of living in fear,

of wondering 

"What would it feel like to forgive myself?"

One day I decided, 

it was in or out. 

In? Forgive and live again. 

Out? Cease to exist.

I knew I needed to stay, 

and forgiving myself began that same day. 

And today, I am unrecognizable from the black hole I was then.

I slip every now and again. 

But I no longer live in fear, 

and the two lessons I learned are clear:

1. It was never my fault.

2. Forgiveness is not scary. 

It never will be.