Forward

I used to be

a serious little girl

I had to be, 

as the eldest of three.

Had to be the example, the golden girl, the dependable one, the clever one.

Until the day that I discovered fun.

And oh, what a joy not to be tense all the time,

Until along came Phobos, the mocking mime.

Afraid of this, afraid of that. But I stood tall and strong.

I had to be,

as the eldest of three.

Despite trying to move forward, 

every step got more awkward,

Like slipping into a dream,

except it’s a living nightmare 

secluded, only myself to demean,

and spiraling deeper into depression’s lair.

And I told no one. 

I couldn’t be weak, I had to be strong.

I had to be,

as the eldest of three.

But finally, everything just felt terrible,

life itself became unbearable

but before I could grab the knife,

a light stepped in to save my life,

an angel, a friend, I couldn’t tell.

But from then, I began to get well.

And there still are some days when the going gets rough,

But now I know I don’t have to stay buff;

It’s okay to be imperfect, as long as you keep trying.

As for me, I’m no longer hiding.

It’s okay to be human.

I have to be.

For my family and me.

But my story isn’t over,

there’s still many years ahead.

Room for dancing in the clover,

room for jumping on the bed.

Because now I am an adult,

but there’s still room to explore .

I still have time to be adventurous,

still have time to look for more.

I want to be.

I’m the eldest of three.