"What do you want to be when you grow up?" A question frequently asked by many. Growing up I've had everything a young child could ask for. I had a stable home, a mom, a dad, and endless amounts of toys.
As I became older, I began to learn how to socialize and CRITICIZE. I was too busy basking in my own happiness and popularity to notice my half sister, who went from home to home, who NEVER had her own place to sleep. Who always stayed with a relative. Who always questioned "where to next?" Who felt UNWANTED by her own parents. Who forced herself to believe that it was okay to feel the burden of abandonment- so much so she began to feel numb and empty.
I was too busy to notice my cousin, who is the most beautiful human being anyone could ever lay eyes on, feel FAT and INSECURE about her own body. She began to starve herself and she convinced herself that she was being "healthy". Bulimia began to take over her life and people began to notice, but instead of getting insults, she began to get compliments and words of encouragement on her weight loss. This rejuvenated her in a way that made her want to continue with her deadthly habits.
I was too busy worrying about myself, I didn't even notice my little brother suffering from depression. I didn't notice him gasping for air and screaming for help. I couldn't hear him through my materialistic world. He had everything; a family, a home, both parents- "What could he be depressed about?," I would always think. I would never think twice about his situation because I could care less. My world felt more important. I didn't realize at the time that he plays a major part in my world. I was too busy that I couldn't see him slowly dying inside; slowly losing his IDENTITY. He lost he way and almost lost his life. He quickly turned to drugs, but I didn't speak up, I didn't object because I too have gotten involved with drugs and became too busy worrying about MYSELF and my REPUTATION.
I became obsessed with my physical appearence and how I want people to percieve me. I was too busy trying to be a "cool kid"; too busy trying to fit in. I was busy trying to be a "proper teenager". I blamed my parents for all that went wrong in my life. I blamed them for how screwed up I turned out to be. I believed that in order to BE SOMEONE in this world, I had to be and act like everyone else. I had to be a clone of what society thought was correct. But in reality, everyone wanted me to be just like them. They wanted to drag me down and fail. I tried to find my identity in something that was selfish and superficial that I began to stray away from the path that was meant for me.
As I began sinking into this whole of judgement and insecurities, I found a spec of hope. A light in my world of blackness- a chance in a sea of hopelessness. This spec began multiplying and formulating into miracles I never thought possible for me. I began to find joy in the simplest of acts. Writing and helping others gave me much delight. I found myself smiling and laughing with genuine people who actually cared for my well being. I found MYSELF.
When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I tel them that I strive to be SELFLESS.