Freshman Year

 September 27, 2019

My feet planted themselves on the rocky gravel

Outside a quaint dorm room building

    In Santa Cruz, California

   6 hours away from home

My parents drove away,

whilst I tried not to examine the two strangers I’d be living with for the next year

I failed my first college course

I barely passed the other two

“What am I doing here?”

Out of breath every time I walked to class

Clasping my inhaler

Though, I think I can’t breathe because I realize I’m alone

I’m the shy kid that never made friends first

In the midst of a hub of social frenzy

“What am I doing here?”

Poking and prodding at my fat in the mirror

Tears running down my face,

my roommates sound asleep

I decide to step foot into the gym

Though everyone was in a world of their own

I felt as if every eye in the room had fixated on me

I don’t know how to use half of the machines

“What am I doing here?”

I stuff my face with Cheetos and cheap dining hall pizza

The food will make the pain go away

All the pain of yesterday, and heartbreak was slammed on top

No friends at school

Two friends back home and one boyfriend

He fell out of love with me

Distance either strengthens or kills

Day before my last day of finals and I sobbed into my pillow all night long

I emailed my professor

Puffy eyed, nauseous

There was no way I could present tomorrow

I could hardly handle public speaking on my good days

The first step of my new life

Deep breaths

I walked into my classroom

Bloodshot eyes, a shaky voice changing in octaves as if it were a competitive sport

I presented

It’s over and I look at myself in the mirror

I drop to my knees, tears running down more quickly than I can breathe

It had taken every ounce of strength that I didn’t know I had to even get out bed

I reach out to my two friends for help

The first got too busy with life

She disappeared for weeks

The second has yet to open my message to this day

Abandoned by everyone I once loved, afraid

“What am I doing here?”

One pound away from being clinically obese

From endless nights of binging to fill the empty spaces they left behind

I can’t looking at myself in the mirror

I purchased a workout guide

But I could never outrun my fork

Every day was a struggle

Until it wasn’t

17 pounds lighter but I felt the weight of the world drop off of my shoulders

The shy girl was lifting weights with the men in the gym

The girl that failed her classes achieved above a 3.0 GPA

She participated in discussions

Voice still shaking, but with the strength of a lioness

I roared

3 months after losing it all

I found myself

On June 13, 2019

I stepped foot in Los Angeles again

A brand new woman

Hello, I’m Ruby

Nice to meet you