"That Friend"

At school I was that friend

With nothing bad inside their head who laughs at every joke

At school I was the friend who was happy and cheery 

But really inside I was just mad and dreary

I wasn’t happy I’m wasn’t sad 

At home everything made me mad, I was numb

I wanted to feel something just something at all

Something to feel that would finally feel real

The blade in the shower it gave me a plan

Soon enough it was there sitting in my hand

Then my hand gets real shaky

And the blade gave me scars I now have till I’m eighty

It also gave me something to feel 

It finally felt real

It was a relief that feeling of hurt and of pain

As I watched the blood flow down the drain

I didn’t cry

But something was feeling different inside

Something I thought was better than nothing

As it went on and on I kept going and going

As Im at 13 cuts I’m starting to not feel that same feel that was real

I need to feel something more but I don’t know where to go

I never thought this would be an issue for me 

Im not fully convinced it is

Ironically this seems quite harmless to me

But now I’m back where I started since that outlet is now not fully making me feel

At school I’m still that friend

With nothing bad inside their head who laughs at every joke

At school I’m the friend who’s happy and cheery 

But really inside I’m just mad and dreary

Im not happy I’m not sad 

And everything at home still makes me mad, I’m numb

The only difference made are the marks

The marks don’t ever go away for real

They stay

I have them

I keep getting more of them

Hoping for the day that something will completely change

If nothing starts to change I’m scared of what’s to come

No one knew and no one yet knows

But no one should know

Why would I want to tell them

Some of them it would destroy
Some of them I bet it would bring them joy