Fun

Location

I just need time to think
Do I not love fun?
That seems to be the word
Fun
They’re all fun-loving
“I’m just your average fun-loving girl” she says
And her
And her
Fun
Average
Why do I shy away from those ones?
Am I not average?
That’s not it
Of course not
And no one wants to be average
Except me
I want to fit in
No
It’s more than that
I want to feel human
Not like a computer,
Who sits confined in the room,
Operates,
But doesn’t live
Thinks,
But doesn’t understand,
Simulates a human mind,
Human tasks,
But lacks the human element
The human freedom
Humans love fun
They love adventure
And so do I
I think
“Just because you’re a recluse…”
“You never want to do anything…”
Shut up
I’m not a recluse
But I am
I want to do things
But I don’t
I just need time to think
Is this denial?
Fear?
In another life I wouldn’t do this
I wouldn’t be so stubborn
My friends,
My family,
I wouldn’t shut you all out
No one gets it
It’s this disease
This wheelchair
This image
In another life it would be different
But I’m in this life
Am I waiting for another?
This is denial
My life can’t be based on what-ifs
But on can-dos
But there are so many compromises
I don’t want these compromises
I hate to compromise my connections
My relationships
This is fear
Fear that I’ll never be the fun-loving boyfriend
Partner
Spouse
Never Fun
But loving
I’ll always be loving
Can’t that be enough?
If I could just shout it
For all the fun-loving ones to hear
Understand
It’s all I have to give
When I can’t be any fun
But it’s not enough
I hate these compromises
This is denial
This is fear
This is what happens when I have time to think

Comments

Additional Resources

Get AI Feedback on your poem

Interested in feedback on your poem? Try our AI Feedback tool.
 

 

If You Need Support

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741