Get Out of My Head

It was April 11, 2011, a month before my sister’s wedding day. This day was like none other, I let the pressure of the world break the shoulders that had held it up so effortlessly for years. I decided to make a change in my life. After living my life without a care up to this point, I realized that I wasn’t like everyone else. There was this standard that everyone fit, but me. I was thirteen when I was slapped in the face with life and the insecurities that followed. Up to this point I had the ideal family, friends, school and church life. Nothing was wrong in my eyes because I had been so innocent, and pure, blinded by the obscene reality of life. Once my eyes were opened, I began to smell the crude senselessness that life had to offer, everything was turned upside down. I wanted to look like those skinny people in the magazines. I wanted to feel the smooth and careless bones protrude out from under my skin. I wanted my presence to attract every eye to my direction. I wanted to be different. Food causes fat, right? So if I stop eating, all of my problems would melt away. So began my journey of self-starvation. I started dropping pounds like leaves falling from a tree, and I felt so good that I could alter my body in this way. My sister’s wedding came around and I was ten pounds lighter. The attention was like fuel on the kitchen fire that rapidly elevated to a forest fire. Who would’ve known that this journey to change would morph into a three year long disease of the mind.