The Girl Behind The Smile

When I was a little girl,

happiness flowed freely throughout

my life, never truly halting for anything

Those days are getting

harder

and

harder

to

remember

I’ve been stuck under an avalanche

for a long time

At the beginning of my adolescence,

I fought hard,

working day to night to escape,

clawing at the sides

screaming till my lungs burned from the cold,

till my throat was numb,

raw and exposed

As I grew older,

more and more accumulated on top;

the entire structure becoming unstable,

the roof caving in,

the floor sinking dangerously low

Entering into my teen years,

I began to slow

until i completely stopped my aggressive offense

I had succumbed to my environment,

my contentions

I couldn’t handle all of it

How could anyone?

I was drowning

and flailing my arms

and kicking my legs didn’t save me

no words

no ounce of feeling ---

nothing transmitted to the outside world

As years went by,

I pretended I’m not

“I’m not trapped”

Sinking deeper into the evasive numbness,

I spewed lies over and over again in my head,

out loud to myself

And after a while,

I believed them

I imagined myself free again,

on the outside

Kicking-off my young adult life,

I started to smile again,

laugh even,

attempting to

integrate myself back into society

I knew I was fine

I had to be,

better than fine,

superior to my old self

But

the underlying truth is

I’m still suffocating under the avalanche