To The Girl In The Mirror

To my Angel,
Congratulations beautiful!
You got the boy on the basketball team to ask you out on a date.
You are so beautiful,
of course he could not resist.
On your first date,
he brushed away the hair from your face,
he called you beautiful.
You went home with butterflies in your stomach,
stars in your eyes,
sunshine smile never been so bright.
On your ninth date,
he told you that he loved you.
You were on cloud nine,
you were happy and he put you there-
because he loved you.
On your tenth date,
he put his hand on your thigh-
an unwanted guest to your party,
but because he loved you,
he said it was okay.
You went home with burn marks where his hands had been,
you treated them like love scars:
the more you had the more he loved you.
On your twentieth date,
he put his hand on your throat for looking at your waiter for too long,
he did this because he loved you.
He squeezed the apology out of your lungs like you forced your fingers down your throat. 

You pretended like they were his fingers,
this would make it an act of love rather than an eating disorder.
On your 45th date (I’ve kept count),
he laid you in his bed,
he kissed your lips softly,
you felt yourself falling for him all over again.
His fingers grazed your face,
traced your lips. 

He told you that you were lucky to be with him,
that you weren’t pretty enough to be loved by anyone else.
After a year of dates,
his name no longer appeared on your phone screen-
his voice no longer came through the speakers.
Because he loved you,
you couldn’t call it abuse.
Because he loved you-
because he loved-
because he-
because-
because it was your fault.
You forgot how to love yourself,
because he loved you.
You forgot when you called yourself an angel,
because he loved you.
You forgot what it meant to be happy-
confused it as crying at night and being held by him,
because he loved you.
My beautiful beautiful angel,
do you remember who you were before he loved you?
Because I love you,
you can call it abuse.
Because I love you,
you can call yourself beautiful.
Because I love you,
you continue to get up in the morning after he broke you.
Because I love you,
the only time your fingers go close to your throat is when you’re eating fried chicken. 

Because I love you,

you can allow yourself to love someone else.
Because I love you,
you can forget about the boy that said he loved you.
Because I love you,
you will never accept a love that isn’t real-
never accept a love that doesn’t allow you to love yourself first.