Gnosis

It's happening again

As it's happened before

I've upset you

You the glimmering beam of light

Who I go to for guidance

When I haven't anyone else

But I'm selfish to think of you as my problem-solver

You're your own

And I just say and do stupid things

When my idiocy lets me forget that

But I don't mean to upset you

There are millions of people I would rather have hate me

As long as I have you as my friend

Which is why it was stupid of me to do all the complaining I did

"How did I come to this, where every song I sing

Is nothing but a list of pain and suffering?"

I've found some things to remedy my situation, anyways

And you and I have dealt with more hideous things

I'm selfish and somewhat self-aware

And I want to change for you

Because you are so selfless

But you know I'm melodramatic and permeable

Whereas you're good at stability

Far better than I, at least

And I cope in the stupidest ways

That hurt you

And I'm sorry

Because I'm naive and dumb

Life imitates art, and I am Sierra-

Ruining everything without even trying

And hurting those she loves the most

Because she thinks monsters can be defeated with selfish acts

Though, we both know, they cannot

But I'll tell you this much

Vast ideological monsters make me cherish the goodness back home

Those monsters make me realize what wonders I was enraptured in

Those monsters make me miss and long for my beloveds and you and everyone

And I'm really trying to sort things out

It's easy to claim stubbornness and bravery until things like this happen

I'm Sierra, once again

And I want only to sing with my beloveds again

I listen to 'Wicked Little Town' latching the lyrics onto my current state, and think,

"This is the opposite of the love and freedom I felt this last summer!"

But you know how much I love you

Because I dare not make mendacity one of my many faults

And those I love, I love so much

Especially now

Especially here

Where my soul is here

But my heart's back home

And I can rip my ribcage all I want

And offer hands out to spectators

But I feel like I have no heart to give

Just a soul that's raked with sadness

And the void hurts

And I fill it with all the trappings I can accumulate

But that only is a temporary fix, you know

I just want to be home

But my heart and mind and soul all want radically different things

And so this year will be my deciding time

Because I've never felt so much

And I feel a whole damn much, naturally

So this is an odd sensation

Made colder due to the horrid fact

That in my kvetching and foolishness

I hurt you

And I can bare self-inflicted scratches if it means forgiveness

Since I'm dumb and I would never upset you intentionally

At least I know I'm the cause

So I can do something to resolve the awful feeling I caused

Or at least try to

But right now, in my selfishness and indulgent nature, all I want is to be home with you

Making wedding cakes for people we've never met

And eating guacamole with Cisne/Scarecrow/Glen/Basil/Armand

(I give that boy far too many names...)

He and you and I can do what I cannot here

We can defeat vast ideological monsters with the love we share and secrete

It will be beautiful

And hopefully it might make up for my own current galumphing about and causing pain to those I truly adore