God Left Me on "Read"
Dear God,
Or
Maybe not so
Dear.
Where are you?
Where have you been?
It feels like I’ve been on “Read”
forever.
Where were you?
When my friend stepped in front of the train
When a classmate jumped off a building
When another walked to the tracks
And another
And another
Where were you?
When my baby sister,
Haunted by the inundation of images and shapes and “thin,”
Stopped eating
Withdrew
Hurt
Where were you?
When my other baby sister,
Aching and reeling from all the fighting
All the tension
All the aggression and demands
All the people and things telling her
She had to be better,
Carved lines into her body
Where were you?
When my mother,
Belittled
Chained
Trapped in a marriage that demeaned her
Controlled her
Told her she was good for nothing,
Cracked
And wept bitterly in my arms
Where were you?
When my father struck me
When he told me I was dust
When he revoked his love
Because I was different from who he wanted me to be
Where were you?
Where are you?
I am out here
Gasping for breath
Gripping precariously to a tomorrow
That threatens to cease
every time I think
every time I feel
every time I beat
I am drowning
Fading
Withering into a person I can’t recognize
Into
A shell.
You say
“Ask and you shall receive”
You say
“Beloved, you are mine”
You say
“I am always with you”
But you are not.
In every moment of every day,
This mind you said you shaped
Tells me I am not wanted
I am not enough
I am not worthy
I am not loved.
This cruel heart you said you knitted
Hates its vessel
Hates itself.
Why can’t you be more like them?
It jeers.
Why can’t you stop being sad?
Why can’t you try to be okay?
Why are you so weak?
Why are you so needy?
Why are you the way you are?
In every second of every day,
Over and over
An unbreakable cycle
Everyone is avoiding you.
They are drained and tired of you.
Because
You’re self-absorbed.
You aren’t fun.
You make them uncomfortable.
Your friends may say
“I want to be in this with you”
But really, does anyone?
No one would want to be stuck here with you.
Even in the pockets of joy
The anticipation of seeing a movie
What if she doesn’t like it?
It will have been a waste of two hours
And
all
your
fault.
I want so desperately
To tear my thoughts out of my head
To crush my skull
To escape my heart
But when even your God abandons you
When God is
Nowhere
NOWHERE
How can I deny what must be true?
God,
Dear God,
I need you
I crave you
I miss you
I desire you
And I know
Maybe my heart’s not in it
Maybe I don’t believe
That you even exist
But please,
You are
My only hope.
God?
Please respond.
I’m dying here.
I know the periods
Make me sound angry
But really,
I’m just tired
Worn
Ready to give up
I’m at the ends of the earth
Can you meet me here?
I’m begging you
Please
.
.
.
God is typing…