God Left Me on "Read"

Dear God,

Or

Maybe not so

Dear.

 

Where are you?

Where have you been?

It feels like I’ve been on “Read”

            forever.

 

Where were you?

 

When my friend stepped in front of the train

When a classmate jumped off a building

When another walked to the tracks

And another

And another

 

Where were you?

 

When my baby sister,

Haunted by the inundation of images and shapes and “thin,”

Stopped eating

Withdrew

Hurt

 

Where were you?

 

When my other baby sister,

Aching and reeling from all the fighting

All the tension

All the aggression and demands

All the people and things telling her

She had to be better,

Carved lines into her body

 

Where were you?

 

When my mother,

Belittled

Chained

Trapped in a marriage that demeaned her

Controlled her

Told her she was good for nothing,

Cracked

And wept bitterly in my arms

 

Where were you?

 

When my father struck me

When he told me I was dust

When he revoked his love

Because I was different from who he wanted me to be

 

Where were you?

 

 

Where are you?

 

I am out here

Gasping for breath

Gripping precariously to a tomorrow

That threatens to cease

            every time I think

            every time I feel

                        every time I beat

 

I am drowning

Fading

Withering into a person I can’t recognize

Into

A shell.

 

You say

“Ask and you shall receive”

 

You say

“Beloved, you are mine”

 

You say

“I am always with you”

 

But you are not.

 

In every moment of every day,

This mind you said you shaped

Tells me I am not wanted

I am not enough

I am not worthy

I am not loved.

 

This cruel heart you said you knitted

Hates its vessel

Hates itself.

 

Why can’t you be more like them?

It jeers.

 

Why can’t you stop being sad?

Why can’t you try to be okay?

Why are you so weak?

Why are you so needy?

Why are you the way you are?

 

In every second of every day,

Over and over

An unbreakable cycle

 

Everyone is avoiding you.

They are drained and tired of you.

Because

You’re self-absorbed.

You aren’t fun.

You make them uncomfortable.

 

Your friends may say

“I want to be in this with you”

But really, does anyone?

No one would want to be stuck here with you.

 

Even in the pockets of joy

The anticipation of seeing a movie

What if she doesn’t like it?

It will have been a waste of two hours

And

          all

          your

           fault.

 

I want so desperately

To tear my thoughts out of my head

To crush my skull

To escape my heart

But when even your God abandons you

When God is

 

Nowhere

 

NOWHERE

 

How can I deny what must be true?

 

 

 

God,

 

Dear God,

 

I need you

I crave you

I miss you

I desire you

 

And I know

Maybe my heart’s not in it

Maybe I don’t believe

That you even exist

But please,

 

You are

            My only hope.

 

God?

 

Please respond.

 

I’m dying here.

 

I know the periods

Make me sound angry

But really,

I’m just tired

Worn

Ready to give up

 

I’m at the ends of the earth

 

Can you meet me here?

 

I’m begging you

 

Please

 

.          

.

.       

God is typing…

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741