A Good Change

There were flowers on the table,

standing bright and tall.

My breath quickened,

And I was back in his thrall.

I was back in time,

Back by years,

When he would come home to gift me

Then beat me and sneer.

No.

Not again.

I’m safe now,

and this gift is not payment

for any future violence.

I couldn’t leave a room

without my phone in my pocket

or he’d go through my only safe space,

and make it dirty and toxic.

His eyes grazed over

my contacts, my conversations, my only outlet,

and turned to me

to spit out his threat.

I set my phone on the table,

letting my guard down,

and found who got me the flowers.

“What’s the occasion?”

I ask

wrapping my arms around their waist.

“Just ‘cause I love you.”

I flinched,

completely on impulse,

my mouth tasting of bile.

There was a time

when those words were a prison

and I thought everything was for the best.

While I was trapped in the web he spun.

Every bruise,

every night spent crying,

every friend he would accuse,

every time he stole

my money, my phone,

my freedom, my soul.

There was a time

when the only thing more painful than staying

was leaving.

I was pried away,

caught between wanting to leave

and needing to stay,

not knowing how I would survive.

I was hooked onto him,

his “love” worse than any vice.

I thought my hell

was paradise.

But absence did not make

my heart grow fonder.

I learned I could text

my friends and family

without having to ask.

I learned I could enter

my house without feeling

dread build up in my stomach,

And how to smile at strangers

without my heart

pounding with fear.

I learned

not only could I survive

without him,

but I could thrive.

And now,

“Because I love you,”

is an excuse to buy me gift,

not a chain to shackle me down.

“Because I love you,”

is a reminder

that I’m cared for.

Not a lie

to cover up

it was only so he could

control me.

“Because I love you,”

is just “I love you.”

Nothing less.