Growing started before I was even aware of life itself

Growing started with a woman standing in a bathroom, holding her breath

Clenching a piece of plastic, gazing down at two pink lines 

Denial, shock, fear, amazement, anxiety, and delight soon filled her as she realized what the two lines meant 

See, I grew from the size of a seed to a watermelon before I even knew who I was 

 

Yet I already had people planning who I will be

As they watch me grow from a seed to who I am now??

They saw me as a carefree child who loved to go outside barefoot 

Spreading my kindness to anyone who walked past

Knowing I shouldn’t talk to strangers 

But I was a child

They watched as my height increased from 3’2 to 5’4

They watched me pick flowers during my soccer games 

They watched me be a kid 

They watched me grow up 

 

All while I watched them 

Wanting to be them

Striving to become them 

Them… the adults 

 

I wanted to understand what adults were talking about 

I wanted to 

Drive, cook, take care of myself, buy and eat what I wanted

I wanted to make my own rules

I would constantly get frustrated when they said was too young to understand as if they were soooo smart

as if  I had no business to be listening

As if I was too dumb to understand  

 

The question you asked is when did I realize I was growing up 

I have to say I have no answer because it started before I realized 

It started before I knew I was a person 

It started before my first 

breath, word, nap, step, A+, pet, holiday

It started before I was me