Growing Up Broken

You ask me to tell you when I realized I was growing up

Well that’s a complicated question

Cause I can say I was forced to grow up the moment my father decided to molest me from ages 5 to 13

But that would be obscene

Wouldn’t it?

Because I didn’t know, how could I know? That the minute his hand went down my pajama pants, I would never have a chance

A chance to really have a normal childhood

So I grew up under interrogation lights and late scream-filled nights

Told to be this and that

Be proper, be ladylike, be smart like your brother, and you better stop crying

Always with the crying

Why are you crying?

Well I’m a disappointment to my mother

Living in the shadow of my brother

And a puppet for my father to control

Here I am again on a self-pity roll!

Let me stop, breathe, and reword it all

Yes I feel like I am a disappointment to my mother

But that’s not true

I know she loves me and I love her too

And I say I’m in the shadow of my brother

But the truth is I’ve been out in the sunshine since the moment I sang a full song

The things about my father though they're true

And It hurts like hell

But what can I do? It’s already happened there’s no going back

So I just have to go along

Tell myself I’m fine, and maybe one of these days I’ll actually believe it’s true

So you ask me when I realized I grew up

I realize it in new ways every damn day

But that’s ok

Cause one reason I am who I am today is because of this pain, pressure, and anxiety I endured

Yes I grew up broken and I’m still growing up broken to this day

But like a cracked stained glass bowl

I shimmer and glow more than I could’ve ever imagined

And I wouldn’t trade that for the world