Growing Pains

Growing Pains I feel like all my memories with him are individual flowers and he’s been trying so hard to let them die but I’ve been trying so hard to make them grow because I believed he was my garden. I swear I’m not high. I mean, do you understand that I loved him? It was completely one-sided, as all my affections are, but I did love him. I cherished every memory of him like a flower, but because he didn’t share my feelings, the flowers decayed, but I kept them watered because I loved him. And now I have to watch them whither and perish and it hurts so much because all that effort was in vain. Nevertheless I do know that once they’re gone I will have space to plant more flowers. I will get better. I will get better at walking past him without faltering. I will get better at feeling beautiful and worth a damn. I will get better at writing songs, and one day they’ll stop being about him. I will get better. I know it. You know it. I’m just not there yet. I refuse to believe that the pain I feel means nothing. It hurts because it mattered to me, and probably only me. Still, I refuse to ignore sadness because it’s just as much a part of life as is happiness. Pretending sadness doesn’t exist is stupid. Sadness exists. It fucking exists. It doesn’t make you weak or pathetic or a goddamn pity party. It’s natural. People who say real men don’t cry are so arrogant. What if that man lost his wife? His mother? His father? His son? I am not a person who desires to be depressed all the time. If anyone believes I actually like having amplified feelings then they deserve to be put in my shoes and made to understand the depths of compassion. Depression is real. I cannot control the chemicals in my brain unless I smoke and that is a scientific fact. I don’t know what to think of that. I only know some things: 1. He will never love me 2. I love him 3. I fabricated a connection between us 4. I have to let it go 5. I still love him 6. I will get better 7. He is happy with her So yes, I will grow more flowers, and in a way, I owe it all to him. If I fell for him because he was the first person to show me affection, then the solution is I guard my heart with my life. Maybe I'll plant my heart and grow a tree.