Growing up without a dad

          When I was little, my dad was not in my life too much. I would spend time with him whenever he had time or when he wanted to see me. He left when I was about 4 years old and never came back. I know that my step-dad was there for me even before I was born. My mom, step-dad, and grandma raised me and my little brother. When my step-dad left I was about 7, and my brother was 2, it was just me, my brother, my mom and grandma. It was very had especially for my brother because he was too young to understand, except I knew why he left.

           I really didn’t care about both my dad and my step-dad about not being in my life, until pretty much now. I grew up so fast that I barely remember my childhood. I had to help with my brother, keep my mom strong and help my grandma at the house; but deep down I was suffering. I gave up on them when I was about to turn 10. My mom remarried, we moved to the U.S. from Puerto Rico. That marriage didn’t go so well, they were divorced within 2 or 3 years of being married, best thing my mom ever did. After that I promise myself that I would not let another man hurt my mom, to this day I am the wall that is keeping my mom up and strong and healthy.

           When I got to high school 5 years ago, I really started suffering from my dad and step-dad not being there for me. My dad tried to contact me around my birthday which was the begining of high school in August, so I started 9^th grade depressed and not sure where to go or who to turn to. I didn’t contact my dad, because I really didn’t know him, he left when I was really little, so I didn’t care about him that much. There were school dances like: father-daughter dances, parent’s pictures with their kids, however I didn’t have that. I only had my mom, which is great, I love her to death, but I do wish both of my father’s where here to watch me grow up. When I hit 10^th grade I finally had the guts to call my step-dad, who was trying to reach me for two years, but I was still hurt from when he left. That summer my mom sent me and my brother to spend a week with him in Puerto Rico. I learned that he got married again. I wasn’t happy with that. But every summer since I try to at least spend a week with him. It’s not the same though; I wish he was in the States so he could come support me in high school.

           Now that I am graduating he might not come. I am seeing so many fathers with their baby girls at work (I’m a lifeguard and a swim teacher), I just want to cry because my father’s weren’t here when I learned how to drive my car or when I got my first job or even when I became a lifeguard which was very important to me. I really hate it more for my brother. He is 13 now and my mom can only teach him so much, the rest is supposed to be for the fathers. However my mom has been both for 18 years, even when she was married to my step-dad.

           I know that I don’t show that it bothers me, but it does. I see little girls with their dad and even girls my age, and I wish I could have that but I got so good at hiding my feelings from everyone and just kept them all bottled up inside of me, that when I get mad I take all my anger and frustration on people I really care about, and I end up losing them. I don’t trust any guy at all. I just wish that one day I can be able to ask them, why they left? Was it worth leaving me? Did you ever ask yourself hoe this would affect me in the future? But I don’t need to because I already know the answer to those questions; well I think that I do.

            Am I wrong for being mad at them, and not telling them into my life when they wanted to?