Growing Up Without You

I hate you.

Around when I was a kid, but now?

Where the hell are you, now?

I see you once a year.

Only once,

if I’m lucky.

There are others,

pretending to be,

thinking they can look,

and act,

and play the part.

But I know,

I always knew

they weren’t real.

Not like you were.

You act like years of presents-

gift cards, clothes, toys,

just erase the pain,

of losing you.

Losing my grip on faith.

Losing belief in you.

I want to hate you…

But, never seem to be able to.

Watching me sleep.

Watching me while awake.

Watching one of your boys.

Used to see me

And make sure I was good

and nice

and kind

and turning into man.

and it was all a lie!

You were a lie!

And I was a dumb believer!

I hate you!

I want to hate you…

But even with your imperfections

(I know you’re gaining weight),

you’re still an icon to me.

No matter how much I try.

You’re kind

and jolly

and brighten the room.

And everybody else

thinks you’re great.

They meet you

and wanna sing songs,

and make movies,

and talk to you…

But, you know it’s a lie!

You abandoned me!

I hate you!

Because I know,

I know!

That you’re just gonna

leave a hole in my heart,

not gonna come,

making the holidays

even harder than they are.

It was all a lie…

I’m tired of seeing mom’s

handwriting in “your” letters.

And I can’t believe anymore.

You abandoned me…

I’m trying to hate you…

This is last letter I’m writing you.

And if

by some astronomical chance

you happen to get it,

I want a guitar…

Goodbye, Santa.

I miss you, very much.

Merry Christmas,

Growing up sucks.