Growth

It wasn't so much that I grew up; it was more so the realization that I needed to. Sitting on the balcony on that ship staring into the black with only the waves waving hello and goodbye emphasized the significance of my insignificance. That I was a little fish in a big pong and all alone with no parents, no fairies, no magic wand. Reality was really real with no red stone to make it all go away. To engineer and change life's course, to change the desert into a paradise, to make that oasis more than an illusion. Gasping for air because I'm in too deep. Head in the clouds, but the clouds turned to rain and choke my throat, fill my lungs, drench my clothes. Sitting at night with the stars in the sky, black in the ashtray, vodka on the table. Makes you think. It wasn't mine. Wasn't my thing. That was my choice. My dad always taught me that if I don't make a decision, someone else will make one for me. "That 'I don't know' shit is gonna get you in a world of trouble." I know. I've learned. That same conversation I was told that if anything happened I'd be the man of the house. The one and only. Big man. Head honcho. Because one day he would be insignificant to the world. A statistic. Whether old age, murder, or sickness, he would be gone sooner or later. I pray to God later, but that still doesn't lift the weight off my shoulders. I'm still a featherweight fighting the heavyweight champion. Great responsibility but I got no power. And funny enough, that's what it means. You don't have or need power. You need the determination to go on. You need the knowledge to adapt, to improvise, to overcome. You need the wisdom to pick and choose your battles. I realize that now. The significance of insignificance. That's life. That's growth.