Half of Me

Does he like me?

Dances, kisses, cuddles

Hands navigating unchartered territory

So many firsts

But her touch

Over the now chartered territory

But this time was different

A dormant desire

Pulled from deep inside

Pain, confusion, denial

An open, bleeding wound

Why does no one see the blood?

Covered with the bandaid of denial

Is my pain invisible?

The words “I’m gay”

First spoken at a party

To a stranger

And received with a laugh

He did not believe me

Why don’t you see me?

Am I invisible?

Do I appear too straight to be queer?

Kicked out of a club I never got to join

Removed from my home

Separated from my friends

Thrust into a foreign country

The words spoken again

“I’m gay”

To strangers who became friends

In a land that became home

This time, no laughter

I left my queerness in that foreign land

A piece of me blown away

Now a foreigner in my old home

Friends, they see the straight me

The old me

The hiding me

Only a piece of me

Scared to date boys

They don’t understand the queer

They only see half

Scared to date girls

They don’t understand the straight

They only see half

Winds blowing me in two directions

North.  South.

Two lives.  Two homes.

East.  West.

My identity, erased, forgotten

My wound covered with the band-aid of heterosexuality

Tearing the band-aid off daily

I reveal the wounds of queerness

The blood flows freely again

Bi until graduation.

Bicurious.

It hurts.

That’s not me.

I am not confused.

I am hiding. 

I am a puzzle that cannot be completed

I cannot put the two halves back together

Pieces have been lost.

I won’t fit together.

With him. 

With her. 

With who?

My friends see the straight outside

The wound is now buried deep inside again

You cannot see it

They never ask

They never look

I want to scream

“You don’t know me”

“You only see half”

You see my body, my brain, my smile

You think you see it all

Who will notice my heart, my soul, my frown

I push it all away

I hide my discomfort

Maybe passing as straight is a privilege? 

I should want to be straight

It should forget my other half

I turn on the TV.  The radio.

Happy heterosexuals are all I see.

Where are the people like me?

Why don’t you see me?

Why can’t you see me?

Why do you only see half?