Hansel and Gretel

          Once upon a time, there was a woodcutter that lived in a small wood hut by a forest with his two children, Hansel and Gretel, and his second wife. The mother of Hansel and Gretel died when they were very small, and a year later, their father married again. The stepmother disliked the children very much and was often nagging the woodcutter about getting rid of the children.

          “They are nothing but a nuisance. Every day there is something new that we argue about. Either punish your children for disrespecting me or I am going to do something about it,” the stepmom said.

          “Jeez, I never should have married this psychopath,” the father thought to himself. “Well, that’s what I get for finding a wife on FarmersOnly.”

          The next day, the woodcutter went out to chop wood for the attractive neighbor who recently lost her husband. While he was out chopping wood, the children were watching TV in their living room. Their stepmom was folding clothes and doing laundry.

          “Bring your clothes to your room and put them in your drawers,” the stepmom said.

          “Not yet,” Hansel said, “when a commercial comes on, we’ll do it.”

          “Get your asses off the couch and haul up your clothes!” yelled the stepmom.

          “Make us,” said Gretel.

          At this moment, the stepmom grabbed some rope and walked over to the kids. In a matter of seconds, she had the two kids tied up.

          “Let us go, you monster!” yelled Gretel.

          The stepmom dragged the kids out of the house and put them in a wheelbarrow. She brought the kids very far into the forest behind their house. When she thought she was in the middle of the forest, she dumped the kids out of the wheelbarrow.

          “Good luck you little brats. If you somehow find your way back to the house, I will go all Chuck Norris on you two,” she said.

          She turned around and left Hansel and Gretel still tied up in the middle of a huge forest.

          “What do we do?” Gretel asked.

          “We have to get out of these ropes,” Hansel said. “Roll over here and I will try to untie your knots and then you can untie mine.”

          Gretel rolled herself over to Hansel and Hansel tried untying the knots. After ten minutes, Hansel successfully untied all the knots on Gretel. Gretel then untied the knots on Hansel and the two were finally free. They started walking in the direction that they came from. After seeing what they thought was the same tree three times, they decided to sit down and think of a plan.

          “We have to leave a mark everywhere we go so we know if we have been here or not,” Hansel said. “We should snap the branches of some of the trees we walk by.”

          The two started walking again, snapping branches as they walked. In five minutes, the came to what they thought was a clearing, but they soon realized that there was a very colorful house. As the got closer to the house, they saw that it was made of cookies and candy.

          “Oh my gosh,” Gretel said, “this house is made of sweets.”

          The two children, very hungry since they have been wandering for a while, started eating the candy that the house was made of. Gretel had a mouthful of licorice flowers and Hansel had a mouthful of jelly bean mulch when the front door of the house swung open.

          “That’s an easy way to get a mouthful of cavities,” said an old woman. “Didn’t you two ever listen to your dentist?”

          The children didn’t know what to say, so they spit out whatever they had in the mouths.

          “I’m just messing with you guys,” the lady said, “eat all the candy you want.” Little did Hansel and Gretel know, this old lady was a witch that loved the taste of children. “These children will get very chubby and plump in a day or two,” she thought to herself.

          Since the witch was rather old, she had very poor eyesight and could not see very well. As the children walked into her house, she pinched both of them and realized that both of them were quite thin. Once inside her house, she locked the door and brought Hansel and Gretel into one of the bedrooms. She shoved Hansel into the bedroom and locked the door, while firmly grasping Gretel’s arm.

“Eat up little boy, you will be roasted in a day or two. And as for you,” she said to Gretel, “you will do housework.”

          Every hour or so, the witch would go into the locked bedroom and grab Hansel’s pinky toe to see if he was getting fatter. Since the witch could not see, Hansel used a jellybean he found and used it as his toe so it would seem like he was not getting fatter.

Two days went by and  the witch grew impatient, so she decided to cook Hansel anyways. “Fire up the stove,” the witch said the Gretel.

          “I’m not allowed to use the stove. My father said I will burn the house down as well as the whole city if I use the stove,” Gretel said.

          “Stupid child,” the witch said. “Just go into the kitchen and press the green circle.”

          Gretel goes into the kitchen and presses the green circle and then comes up with a plan to escape the witch.

          “I don’t think I did it right, can you come check the oven and see if I turned it on?” Gretel asked the witch.

          The two of them went into the kitchen, and, as the witch opened the oven door to see if it was hot, Gretel pushed her into the oven and slammed the oven door shut. The witch screamed as she got cooked. Gretel then went and unlocked the door where Hansel was and the two of them hugged each other.

          “How long should we leave her in there?” Hansel asked.

          “Let’s go on her computer and search “how long to cook a witch” and see what we find,” Gretel said.

          The two of them went on her computer and found out that she only had Internet Explorer as a browser. The two of them tried getting to Google to search how long to cook the witch, but Internet Explorer kept popping up with ads and a whole lot of other garbage. Growing frustrated and impatient, they just gave up.

They left the oven on for a couple hours and then realized that since the oven was very hot, the inside of the house was melting. They ran all throughout the house looking for valuables or anything they would want. After fifteen minutes of going through everything, the had two duffel bags full of various jewelry, recipes, potions, and more. The two of them left the house and set out to try and find their way back home.

          After five hours of walking, they saw someone in the forest. As they got closer, they realized it was their father holding a handle of cheap vodka in his hand. He was stumbling around smoking a dart when he saw his children. He dropped the alcohol and tossed the dart and ran to them. They conversed for a few minutes about the whole story of their stepmom, the witch, and the duffel bags. The three of them were going through the duffel bags until the father found a potion that said, “Hamburger that B*tch”. The father read the potion and found out that it could turn anyone into a cow if they consume one drop of the potion.

          “We need to use this potion and turn your stepmom into a cow,” said the father. “Then we won’t have to deal with her ever again.”

          The three of them walked to their house and the father told the children to stay outside so their stepmom does not know they are back. The father walked into the house and asked his wife if she wanted a smoothie.

          “The smoothie better have only organic fruits and vegetables,” she said. “And there better be some goddamn kale!”

          The father made the smoothie and put a drop of the potion in the smoothie and brought it to his wife. She started drinking the smoothie and then the father opened the front door and brought his children in. His wife just sat there and didn’t say anything.

          “Hey you cow,” Hansel said.

          “Excuse me?” she said. “How dare you call me a cow. I only eat organic foods...”

          As she said that, there was a cloud of smoke and she turned into a cow. The father then butchered the cow and the reunited family ate the best steak and hamburgers they ever had.

The End