when people ask to describe myself i say not now because i can’t be too sure

i can’t commit to something that doesnt stay

i am nauseous

the feeling in my brain and the scent of the room changes so abruptly

it whips me back and forth

and throws my already overturned under nourished stomach

into a hellish vacuum

and all the doubts i try to tuck into the pit of my stomach

get tossed and tangled and accidently show themselves

i can never feel safe

i can never feel like i’m under a blanket

because the artificial light is as close as i get to the sun

but it still hurts to look at it

because it makes me visible

and seen.

and it’s too hot.

i never leave the room

it takes too much out of me

they say i should be happy

happy happy happy happy happy is something i wish i can be all the time

but i’m tired from climbing over everyones criticism of my performance

because i’m not putting enough effort to be some shining star

ripping my lips from a million yard smile

and i use their heads as steps

to lead my way up to the line they pushed all the way to the brim of the earth

but what will i do once i am up there

without the crowd to please.