hardest 2 years ever

I used to love spending time with my family.

But recently my relationship with my mom has been different since telling her about being  SA.I missed the days where I didnt feel guilty or like it was my fault. I hate that feeling but it never goes away. The first time was when i was 5 to be honest  I don't really remember everything for when i was younger when that was going on but i remember bits and pieces witch is hard because i have tried to block out all of the memories but they don't go away their always still there.I used to love writing and reading but because of being SA I either sit in my room all day listening to really sad music or making tik toks based off of how i feel. The past 2 years have been really rough because I Have been in and out of the hospital and going thru this stuff. I used to love wearing dresses/skirts and shorts but now I can't really even bring myself to wear those when i'm around him. SInce being SA my depression and anxiety has  been really bad.I think the one that brought all these feelings was when it happened again when i was 13 witch was 2 years ago it brought all these guilty and sad emotions to life witch i don't know if that's good.He did it in different ways the first time when i was 13 was i was sitting on my bed no none was home i was laying on my stomach  i was wearing a romper it was yellow with white daisies on it.The tv was on a youtube video i was on my phone on snapchat when he touched me with his foot during that time i didn't say anything I felt frozen I didn't know what to do or say so I just left the room.The second time didn't happen till  months later.The second time when i was 13 was when no one was home and i was down stairs i was wearing the same romper as the first time. He was playing around with me like tickling me. I tried to stand up but he grabbed my ankles so I couldn't get up. He did the same thing as the first time I felt the same way I did the first time. After the second time I spent the rest of the day in my room crying.I didn't tell my mom till i was 15 she knew something was going on but she didn't know exactly what was going on .she had talked to me that night but i didn't tell her for  many hours later when i did tell her she didn't know if she believed me. She talked to him but he denied it  so my mom in the morning had my grandma and my dads grandma come over to talk to me.I still remember this day this was the worse day of my life.I was sitting on the floor by the door in tears while they were asking questions and my mom telling my that it had never happened and that  i imagined  it but i know for a fact i didn't imagine it. She was saying stuff like it was my fault and that it never happened.That day my relationship with my mom changed for the worst. She makes me feel like she resents me because of everything that happens. Me and his relationship  isn't a good one. He makes me feel really uncomfortable when we are in the car. Sometimes he will put his hand on my thigh which makes me feel like it might happen again or when I'm on call he will pick me up and throw me on the bed or tickle me. You can tell some things are not right because my face changes every time he does it. I can't tell anyone because it was too long ago but I don't know how to make the thoughts stop me from feeling like it was my fault and feeling guilty.