The Hardest Letter I've Ever Written

Dear Zack,

The first thing I wanted to do when I got home that evening was walk to your house

And so I did

Like I used to do before I got my car and my license, I walked with purpose and with my phone tucked into my leggings playing that one Elliott Smith album I played for you that one time

And when I finally reached my destination, I wanted nothing more than to enter your garage code on the keypad and sit on your couch, waiting for you to get home from dinner with your family like I had done many times before

But instead I sat in the driveway that I’m not allowed to pull into because I’ve never been good at driving in reverse and the first time I tried to pull out of it I ran over your lawn

I sat on the ground and thought about all the things I could never do again because they just didn’t feel right without you

You see, you’ve ruined microwave popcorn and a Charlie Brown Christmas and going to walmart and sitting in the junior lot at school trying to catch my breath

Driving is a lot more dull without you next to me, sitting in the passenger seat, just us against the world

I used to read you my poetry as we sat on my bed, and you always asked me to write one about you

I would always say that you had never hurt me enough to deserve a poem

But, then again, here we are today

I never thought i’d miss those dumb good morning texts you’d send every morning to see if I had decided that school was worth my time that day

You’d always tell me that I missed too much school for my own good, but that if I needed someone to hold my hair while I threw up, you’d come over

You, with your obnoxiously loud laugh and your huge hugs and your warm eyes and the way you’d hold me while I cried

I can still feel you holding me now

If you can hear this, I wish you were still here

I don’t blame you for leaving, I just wish you hadn’t

If you can hear this, I don’t know what else I could’ve done to stop your suffering

I don’t think there was anything I could’ve done, but I’d like to think that maybe I made that suffering a little more bearable with my terrible puns and horrendously ugly selfies

If you can hear this, I love you so much, I always have, and I always will

Thanks for taking such good care of me,

Your favorite Jew