hardly a second choice

ungrateful people

I’m ungrateful

am I?

not a soul reaches out

they don’t have to, I don’t need anyone

do I?

comfort comes from being alone

It shouldn’t

it does

I can’t handle change

change twists and squeezes my brain 

it suffocates me

holding my lungs shut

a hot, spinning feeling arises within the pit of my stomach

like an all-encompassing blob

please talk to me

please don’t put me off to the side

but don’t talk to me

the twists, spinning, and suffocation will come back

I can’t handle change - I can’t handle being discarded 

ease me into your act

the act of pretend 

pretending I’m in your circle

pretending you love willingly inviting me out

make me comfortable enough to where the sudden change doesn’t flip my inside out

how beautiful it would be to be considered someone’s second choice

my lord, how lonely this life can be

waves of guilt wash over me as I write this

I have friends

I have no need to feel like this

how egregiously horrid of me to think this

how could any truth ring within these thoughts?

reeking of self-loathing

pitiful 

but is it?