"He".

Why do I try?

Why does my heart tell me to hold on, push, hope?

"I have done my job" He says. 

Then He renews his life with a second wife and strives to get his life back.

"Dont eat that food, its for daddy during the week" she says.

Hold on wench! You are one of his new toys, and will be disposed of real soon.

The thoughts of free speech race and whirl,

but my tongue defies,and holds it in.

"I have given your mother child support , Is that not enough?" He asks.

I never knew a government check could repay for the damage that was caused to a family,

a family of three.

Single mother, once bruised and battered.

Cheated on twice. 

Daddy wasnt smart, thought he was God.

May have given my mother a life long "bug" and the reminder stays strong.

Divorced, betrayed, threw out like a broken toy.

Thats all he thinks of them as... toys.

Play, play, play. That all he does.

Two more new jet skies. Vacations. Cruises. The Alaskan passage in the fall.

Dark. Silent. 

My heart is not of flesh anymore.

Stone is in its place. 

Always tying to win over his heart but nothing in return.

If I am chasing him, then who is chasing me?

Not him. 

No more.

That part of my life is over.

Digusted and violated.

 The new addition tells me, "You need help, its your fault you and daddy dont get along."

Bitch.

You are new, and know nothing.

50 and married for the first time.

"This is forever" she says.

I respond to myself, "Its a phase."

You dont  know who you are sleeping with and you will end up like them.

Betrayed, and used up.

120,000 green backs for them a year.

13,000 from my mother this year.

And you cant help us?

"your mother chose not to go back to school."

Oh, im sorry she had 2 kids to wash,

dress,

feed,

8 hours ad day at work,

pick up from kid care,

help with homework,

make dinner,

put to sleep,

then repeated again the following day.

Father? I think not. Donor is more like it.

Hatred brews. 

Secrets,

lies,

pointing the finger at others and not looking in the mirror.

If only I were the fly on the wall.

We suffer, He thrives.

We ask, He denies.

I am done with you.

The nerve,

the gull,

the confusion of it all.

May God have mercy and grant the admission, for clouds and gold gates dont welcome those

like you.

Its always greener on the other side,

so he thought.

He will fall and I will rise.

Sorry Father, but I have no room for you in my life.

Move on.

Love.

Pray.

And when my son asks me,

"Daddy, where is mommy?"

I will say to those innocent eyes, "I am right here.

I will not leave you.

I am mommy and daddy in one.

I love you.

Dear son.

You will not struggle.

We will thrive.

We will survive"

I am not "He".

And "He" is not I.

The sin will be broken, and the chain will break. 

I am the answer to the problem.

"He" is not here.

But I am.