Introduction: why should a rough-and-tumble muddle of soundless sounds mean so much

when all I need is to not give a shit about what they say in their heads

because I can’t hear it anyway

 

I used to have this conversation with myself:

HEY CAN YOU HEAR ME

yes I can you don’t need to shout

skreee bzzt crrrk bzzt

sorry, what?

sshhh crrkk bzzzt bzz

hang on, I just need to adjust--

OH SORRY LET ME BREAK IT DOWN INTO MONOSYLLABLES FOR YOU

Just because I--

YOU. LOOK. STU. PID.

 

does anything else matter?

hey now--wait. pause. rewind. replay.

no subtitles this time

let me just listen through this wire in my ear.

 

STU. PID.

 

THAT was my voice

it came from my head

it came from me

 

does it matter?

 

but they give me that look that says “oh you’re...different”

or am i just imagining things?

when I reach up to adjust my frankenstein’s bolts

or ha I could be a secret service agent for all you know

it must be eating part of my brain too

or feeding me with information I couldn’t access before

that’s why I don’t ask questions in class

or that’s why I can actually answer questions now

 

I’ve been my own blackmailer

bzzt

paid ransom to a social stigma as invisible as my injury

crrk

but I have the power to cut off its power--

shhhhh

just reach behind that ear

whzzzzz

press a button

zzzttt

tune out that white noise

And oh hey I can hear now

​

so tell me

why should I while away my time imagining the things I can’t hear

when the things that really matter

make themselves understood

 

my mom’s love

warms my heart

my brother’s laugh

shakes the couch

my best friend’s smile

​lights up my world

​

and if I can hear my teacher

saying “hey great job in discussion today”

or my dad

asking if I want to help make crêpes this morning

or the birds

chirping away outside my window--oh for the first time in forever

then all the better

​

a limit on my aural ability is no limit on my sensibility

or my self-sensitivity

or my intellectual activity

why should I think the worst of me?

 

so thankyouverymuch

but I’d rather forget about the silent judgment

there’s a wire in my ear and I can hear the things that I’ve always wanted to

but never could

​

and if I'm really honest

that’s all I need

 

does anything else matter?