Healing

Dear Old Friend, 

I can't believe its been almost 3 years. Sometimes it seems so long ago but others it seems like it was only yesterday. I still remember the first night we found out, I couldn't sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes, I was in your body as someone drowned you to death. Every now and again I still have the dream sometimes. I miss you so much, it hurts- it hurts to think about you. Hell it even hurts to miss you, so I try my best not to think about it. I know its probably only going to do me harm in the long run, but I'm still not ready to face all these feelings. Whenever your name is brought up I struggle to hide how I really feel. I don't cry. I can't cry. I have to be stronger for our friends around us; let them know that how they are feeling is okay and they can do it without being judged. I said "around us" because I know even if your not physically here, you are still with us. In our hearts, and your memory lives on in them forever. You never think it can happen to you, or someone close to you. I just-I feel like I could have done something. Maybe it I would have kept in constant communication with you more, or maybe I should have known. I'm so sorry I was a horrible friend. If I could take it all back I would. I want to say more but I don't know what else to say so I guess I'll just end this here. Talk to you later, and I love you.