If I could say anything about it

anything at all

I would say that it didn’t hurt.

I would say that I cry about a lot of things

and tell you about the times I’d cried in the past

like when I was little I dropped a hammer on my foot

and broke the toe next to my hallux.

I’d tell you about how your hallux is your big toe

but I don’t know what the others are called

and I cry a lot–

you’re nothing special.

(but I don’t cry often at all)

 

I’d say that I was up to my neck in hormones

and I’d say that everything I said

was the result of the all-nighter I pulled the night before.

It’s cool

it’s ok.

(but I got plenty of sleep)

 

Asking you out before class

in the hallway 

next to the bathrooms

with no one else around, remember

was a mistake

I wasn’t thinking straight.

My mind was gone

all over the place

and I didn’t think it through

(I did)

And you–

you know I wasn’t serious.

You know I knew what you’d say

if I was being serious.

(I was)

 

The ‘no’ that shot out between your lips so fast

your perfect lips

your perfect face

your perfect eyebrows

your perfect ears

didn’t hurt me

didn’t hurt me at all

not one bit but really

it pierced through my head

and went straight to my heart

and it stuck and it lingered and it didn’t leave

even after you ran away.

You actually ran away

and didn’t say anything after that

for a year

when every time you looked at me you looked scared

like I was some kind of freak

like in a circus

or a zoo

and you knew.

You knew it hurt

but you didn’t know how much.

 

A thousand needles in my chest jabbing at my flesh

felt just like a hundred million paper cuts

and I was physically sick.

You made me barf

and every time I saw you glance at me

it looked like you wanted to

and that made it even worse.

And every time I looked at you

from far away

the silence drove me into the ground.

 

You left a festering wound

and turned it into a scar

so fuck your perfect lips

your perfect face

your perfect eyebrows

your perfect ears

and fuck the empty hallway

next to the bathrooms

and fuck barf

because I don’t need you

and I don’t care about you.

I’ve moved on

I’m over you.

(I’m not)