Hello to the Monsters

January 5, 2018

Dear Monsters,

When I was young and naïve I used to believe

That those most heinous would jump out and scare me.

Or crawl from under my bed. Or creep open my closet door.

Or manifest from the tree near my window. Or drag me across my floor.

I used to imagine you with long, sharp nails

A brooding figure waiting in the shadows to harm me.

With haunting eyes and a taunting smirk

And the knowledge that my fear wouldn’t let my legs work.

Once I went to high school the truth soon was revealed

That those monsters I thought lurked in my closet,

Were really hiding in the shadows of my mindset.

I saw them in my mirrors when all I wanted to see was myself.

I saw them on the tags of my clothes that said XL

I heard them in the voices of others, saying “you’re fat as h-“

How I starved myself and cried,

Because all I wanted to do was fit inside

What the height and weight chart said I should be.

For many years I wanted to squeeze

In size ones, twos, and threes

But I didn’t find peace until I stopped trying.

Once I accepted I was a size eight,

And stopped hating myself for what I weighed

I splayed the monsters that once harmed me.

So sure, I may not walk down a runway

Or pose in magazines,

But my reflection will once again smile at me

And that is all I need.

With confidence,

Allana

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