Help me get through tonight

Help me get through tonight

Can anybody hear me?

I can’t keep putting up a fight

No one is ever coming

not even to help a little bit

Just help me someone

I just can’t fucking handle it

I’m so fucking done

with the fucking bullshit

All these months and days go by

where I blame myself for all that went wrong

and now I can’t stop what’s about to come

 

She thought I was the one

The last girl I dated

for 3 years and a half

I thought we were fated

to be each other’s other half

I loved her so much

and she loved me too

but I was way too stupid

to take a fucking clue

Couldn’t stop myself

Couldn’t even handle a date

I fucked it all up

and now, it’s too late

She’s gone for forever

not looking back at me

And I’m left with a sliver

of what i used to be

Sometimes, I wish that I could

just turn back time, reverse my fate

And then maybe I would

just make my whole damn life great

but that ain’t fucking happening

I know that’s bullshit

I’m tired of myself

and that’s not fucking it

I sick of living like nothing ever happened

sick of living like I can write rap and

make a living without thinking of you

but i can’t, can’t stop thinking of you

I would have given my life

but I fucked that chance up

wish I could end all this strife

But this love it needs far more than a touch-up

I can’t stop this cycle of terrible pain

It hurts so fucking bad God I must be insane

to think i might be saved

that my love for you

will finally fucking fade

But whatever I do

I’m just getting repaid

For all the shit I dealt to you

all the pain that I caused,

I want to get run-through and through

put my life on pause

and end it forever now

I m tired of trying

and dealing with this

now I’m fucking flying

into the abyss

You put me in charge

here comes a sparge

a literal baptism by fire for the fucking sarge

I couldn’t handle a wife

I couldn’t handle this strife

What the fuck makes you think I could handle my own God-damn life?

Guess it doesn’t matter now

Heavy sweat upon my brow

as I leave this fucking life with one last fucking bow.

No one else needs to

get hurt by me

I’m saying goodbye to the world

as I hang myself with this lea (on this tree?)
 

written 5/20/2015 from 1:20 to 2:04 am while trying to sleep on the couch in Chapman Hall 455 (AKA Jason Sims and Clay Giles room where I spent practically all of my one semester at BYU-I)

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My community

Comments

mandy.mawson.7

I know sometimes writing poetry can be a way to release anger, but if you're really thinking about killing yourself, maybe talk to someone. Many colleges have great counselors, and often therapy services are free or low-cost, especially in an emergency. I know break-ups are the pits; I've been dumped, too. It will get easier, I promise. You have your whole life ahead of you, and there are so many other great things out there besides romance. The world is an amazing place, and it's just waiting for you to explore it. Take a walk. Go around town or explore the woods. Discover something. There's so much awesomeness, you just have to find it.

micahalmacloward

Mandy, thanks for being concerned about me. I know it may seem somewhat unhealthy for me to talk about myself this way, but when I get depressed, I write poetry. This was probably my worst night ever, and I really hope it never gets that bad ever again. I will continue to try to look for other outlets. And as you said Mandy, "There's so much awesomeness" that I am working on finding, that sometimes these poems make it seem like I'm not trying. But I hope one day, I can find that awesomeness.

Sincerely,

Micah Alma Cloward

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